30.10.08

Paris Hilton (continued)


Paris Hilton is scared of going into space in case she doesn't return for 10,000 years.

She said, “I'm very scared to do it. What if I don't come back? With the whole light years thing, what if I come back 10,000 years later, and everyone I know is dead? I'll be like, 'Great. Now I have to start all over.'

Jesus fucking Christ I knew this bitch was stupid but god damn. Last time I checked Paris, Richard Branson isn't capable of travelling at light speed, and even if he was travelling at light speed it isn't going send you into the future. If you watched Stargate you would know this.

Fail-O-Meter:

29.10.08

'Til Death


CAST

Brad Garrett as "Eddie Stark": An unfunny knobjockey who ponces about like he's not the retarded offspring of Andre the Giant and Frankenstein's Bride.

That shithead from American Pie who sweats too much as "Jeff Woodcock": A guy who, like his actors real world personality, plays the "Hugh Grant stammering dickshitter card" in order to cover up the fact that he possesses the world's single largest pedo smirk.

Joely Fisher as "Joey Stark": Eddie's wife. Always correct. Makes smart remarks whilst waggling her index finger. The type of TV wife who, if it weren't for the fact that she was in possibly the wrost sitcom since "Joey", you'd be absolutely certain she spends most of her days straddling the 17 year old pool boy whilst her old man works himself into a heart attack at 38. Confident. Independent. Formulaic. Fucking boring.

J.B. Smoove as the aptly named "Some shitforbrains I don't fucking care about": Dude went from Curb Your Enthusiasm to this shitstorm. Enough said.

SYNOPSIS

Newlyweds move in next door to a long time married couple, and all seems well. But then, a series of entirely unhilarious events unfold, complete with humour on the same level as poorly timed "That's what she said!" or "Don't go there, girlfriend!" jokes. Then somehow a thinly veiled plot premise is revealed enabling each episode to barely limp over the 22 minute line.

The end result is a TV experience that leaves you wanting to chug the drain cleaner from under the sink and throw battery acid on your face so you can sit in front of a mirror and watch the flesh slowly melt away from the bone in a scene eerily reminiscent of the grand Nazi unveiling ceremony from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

For that would be an infinitely more interesting experience than this useless fucking piece of televisual bile.

Fail-O-Meter:

Bored Scientists



RESEARCHERS at Leicester University in the UK have reportedly found brain cells devoted to Friends star Jennifer Aniston and the Star Wars character Luke Skywalker. Scientists have discovered that single brain cells leap into action when shown pictures of celebrities, suggesting that individual cells are used to store memories of specific people or places.


Who the fuck cares?

Fail-O-Meter:

27.10.08

This shit



No it isn't. Fuck off.

Fail-O-Meter:

23.10.08

Dr Phil's Gaming Behaviour Audit

Ever wanted to know if you we're addicted to video games but never knew how to find out? Don't worry!!! Dr Phil is here to save the day. Here are a few sample questions from Dr Phil's Gaming Behaviour Audit...

1. Have you lied to your friends or family to conceal your obsessive thinking about gaming?
2. Do you get restless and irritable when you are away from gaming or feel that you are restricted from your next gaming event?
3. Have you attempted to stop or cut back your gaming behavior, but failed because of the anxiety, depression or general stress you experience?
4. Do you feel you need to play online games because it gives you the self-esteem and confidence other activities don’t?
5. Have you lost or damaged job opportunities because of your obsessive gaming behavior?

Wow those are some really thought provoking questions. If you have answered “yes” or even “sometimes” to any of these questions, it is highly likely you are the gaming worlds equivalent of a hez fiend.

Hey Dr Phil, I've got an audit for you! It's called the "am I a big bald fuck" audit.

Question 1: Are you a big bald fuck?

If you answered "yes" or even "sometimes" to that question then it is highly likely that you are a big bald fuck. It is recommended that you seek help for this issue so that you can develop a healthy balance of mental health to your life.

DIAGNOSE THAT FUCKHEAD!!!

Fail-O-Meter:

Gin






























There's only one kind of person who drinks this shit: Paupers living in 16th century London. And that's only because they've got Bubonic Plague.

Fucking vile swill.

Fail-O-Meter:

21.10.08

Donatella Versace



Run for your lives children!!! I 'll try to fend it off...

Fail-O-Meter:

20.10.08

The Veronicas











http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/story/0,26278,24514700-5016432,00.html

"I want to get on my soapbox. I think the speech would be that I want to remind people we are up there because we worked hard to realise a dream we have had since we were so young," Jess said.

"We are not up there because my boobs were flashed all over the world.

"We worked so hard to get to the point where people could rethink pop music and that you can have longevity doing that kind of music, that it doesn't have to be disposable.

"What p---ed me off about everything that has happened this year is that it has degraded and detracted from what we have done.

"Getting nominated for an ARIA isn't easy and winning one is so much harder."

Her twin sister, who shared Jess's pain after private photos were leaked by someone trying to sabotage their career, said it was important The Veronicas remained inspirational to their young fans.

"We want people to have the dream that maybe they can get up there on the ARIAs stage like we did," she said.


Oh lord, where to begin with this one...

Firstly "girls", I think it's important to note here that whenever I have the horrid misfortune of hearing your "music", it certainly doesn't make me rethink pop music, or anything at all for that matter. In fact it only reinforces my firmly held opinion that you are both, in fact, hell born hobgoblins who function solely on money and dick. You make label driven hyperbole that is gone from the minds of listeners as quickly as it enters it, and with any luck any and all memory of your fucking woeful careers thus far will be completely erased before the end of the decade.

Secondly, getting nominated for an ARIA isn't worth shit. I mean for fucks sake, they actually have awards for "highest selling single". HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN AN AWARD. More to that, WHY ARE THERE NOMINEES??? You're a part of a major record corporation. Sales figures are your bible. "Winning" something like this is not a fucking surprise. But more to that, the categories you aspire to (chiefly: pop) are populated by other vacuous wastes of fucking life that it turns this "contest" into a game of "Who is this years biggest cocksmoking harlot?".

And last, but certainly not least, I have one last thing to say.
IF YOU DIDN'T WANT PICTURES OF YOUR TITS CIRCULATING THE GODDAMNED INTERNET, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SENT FUCKING PHOTOS OF THEM OUT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE, YOU FUCKING RETARDED FUCKING BITCH.

FAIL. HAIL OF FAIL.


Fail-O-Meter:

19.10.08

Gabriella Cilmi



Who?

Fail-O-Meter:

17.10.08

Mantyhose


Guy1: Hey man, check out my sweet pantyhose!!
Guy 2: Yeah they're about as cool as aids.
Guy 1: But don't I look cool?
Guy 2: No.

If you have to have this conversation with any of your mates you should probably kill them. There is no excuse for this shit.

Fail-O-Meter:

10.10.08

India

A mutant fish has started killing people after feeding on human corpses dumped in a river, scientists believe.

The catfish, called a goonch, may have developed a taste for human flesh in an Indian river where bodies are dumped after funerals.

Locals believe the fish has moved on from scavenging to snatching bathers who swim in the Great Kali, located along the India-Nepal border.

I don't know what is more disturbing the fact that there is a mutant fish that kills people or the fact that THESE PEOPLE SWIM IN THE SAME RIVER THAT THEY DUMP CORPSES IN!!!

Fail-O-Meter:

The Jonas Brothers



What the fuck is this. 1989 called, they want their clothes back.

Fail-O-Meter:

9.10.08

These dickless wankers











You can't stop here. Ever.

There aren't any bats here. This isn't the country. That's not even a real cigarette.

Fuck off.


Fail-O-Meter:

"Summer Santa"




















No.


Fail-O-Meter:

Allen Keys












They really should be renamed dick tools, because when you use one of these craptastic examples of pure fail on joint, the only thing you'll be doing to it is fucking it.


Fail-O-Meter:

This shit













Fucking what?


Fail-O-Meter: