Dudes who still "octopus" their guitar strings

It's not 1998 and you're not in Static X.

Clean your shit up.

Fail-O-Meter:

Joe McElderry

That right there is not only the little shitforbrains who got his chart-related arse handed to him by a fucking Facebook group, but he's also your unbackable favourite for "World's Biggest Shit-Eating Grin 2009".

Fail-O-Meter:

Japanese Spambots

FUCKING ALL UP IN MY SHIT RUINING MY COMMENTS BOX

FUCK. OFF.

Fail-O-Meter:

Blogs that turn into Books

Why the fuck would I want a shitty paperback version of someone's shitty wordpress?
Why the fuck would I want to PAY for that, when I can Firefox the shit out of it for free?
Why the fuck do you think your shitty bullshit blog fuckwittery would have even the smallest chance of standing up for itself in the vast literary world?

And, finally, but most importantly:

How the fuck are you going to repay me because my Boss yelled at me because I couldn't ALT+TAB my way out of your dumbfuck blogbook when I saw him coming?

Eat shit, kill yourself, repeat.

Fail-O-Meter:

The ARIA Awards

I'm convinced that the statue is designed like that in the faint hope that the utter shitfucks who actually win these "awards" take the hint and use the statue to skewer their own brains out.

What a fucking joke.

Fail-O-Meter:

Mexico

FUCK YOU, MEXICO.

NO EXCLUSIVE GARDEN JAWA FOR YOU.

BITCH.

Fail-O-Meter:

Luke Steele

There is no fire hot enough to remove the lingering stain that is your life from this earth.

Stop. Please, for fucks sake, stop.

Fail-O-Meter:

Algebra

Consider the following:

x = a+b+c+d(y+z+b)

Assume the following to be true:

a = 6
b = 21
c = 3
d = 11
y = 25
z = 15

So therefore:

x = 6+21+3+11(25+15+21)

Now convert the integers to their corresponding capitalised alphabetical values, and simplify the equation.

This makes the equation read thusly:

x = FUCK(YOU)

Solve that, shithead.

Fail-O-Meter:

Shia LeBouf

Talentless shit who's clearly the long-lost lovespawn of Gallagher, Ratburn and a rusty shovel.

Fail-O-Meter:

Music Festival Shoulder-Sitters

Get the fuck down.

Fail-O-Meter:

Iceland

McDonald's will close its restaurants in Iceland this week after currency fluctuations threatened to make Icelandic Big Macs the world's most expensive.

Magnus Ogmundsson, CEO of Iceland's McDonald’s franchise owner Lyst, told Bloomberg that rising costs would have meant a Big Mac would cost US$6.36, the most expensive in the world, according to the Economist's Big Mac Index.

Norway and Switzerland currently have the world’s most expensive Big Macs, at US$5.75.

Iceland's economy collapsed last year as the global financial crisis gathered pace leaving Icelanders grappling with soaring prices and a national currency – the kronur – that dived 80 percent as the nation’s banks collapsed.

LIST OF REASONS WHY ICELAND SHOULD NUKE ITSELF IMMEDIATELY

- Can't produce a cheaper burger than those Swiss fence-sitting freaks.

- Chief export: Bjork.

- Landmass looks like a badly decomposed crab.

- Despite proximity to the Arctic Circle and thus extreme familiarity with ice, couldn't beat a team of Yankee street punk fuckups at Ice Hockey at the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games.

- General populous probably smells like fish.

Fail-O-Meter:

The ever-changing Facebook UI

If you keep touching it, it's going to drop off.

Fail-O-Meter:

Parenting

You're doing it wrong.

Fail-O-Meter:

"Blogger"...

...is not a profession. Neither is photographer, artist, designer, dancer, taxation barrister or speed freak.

Do you know how many people have made a living off of any of those?

Six.

There are about 25 million fuckheads just like you wasting space about the world.

Do the math, shithead.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who still fall for internet phishing and spam.

It's 2009, dickheads. The kindly stranger named Rodergo Y Ramirez is not genuinely asking about your well being in your Junk E-Mail folder. He wants your shit.

People like you are the reason why justifiable murder should be legal.

Fail-O-Meter: