31.12.08

New Years Resolutions



What kind of idiot needs the promise of a new year to finally motivate self-improvement?

I'll tell you who: Weak, gutless, space wasting dogs who probably work in data management or technical support centres.

They're nothing more than shallow, bullshit ideas that get flushed down the toilet along with the January 1st AGB. Because that's essentially what they are. Shit. Absolute fucking shit.

I've got a New Years Resolution for you: FUCK. OFF.


Fail-O-Meter:

30.12.08

This motherfucking shit



Now then, Mr."Boy 8-Bit", if that IS your real name. You claim that your name comes from the fact that you use an Amiga to make music. You claim they used to use an 8-bit sampler. You also claim you were young at the time.

Wrong.

Wrong. Wrong. Fucking all goddamned wrong.

Firstly, you never "made music" with an Amiga. You made a series of random insufferable beeps. There's two sides to that coin. And on the side your "music" is on, you're a fucking knobshiner.

Secondly, "they" used an 8-bit sampler. "They". Who are you talking about? There is no "they". There is only "you". And "you" are still a fucking knobshiner.

Finally, (and I'm sorry if this comes as a shock) you were never young. You clearly congealed in some backwater Bromley gutter, the congealed love spawn of Bjorn Borg and a lemur.

So do us all a favour and Ctrl+C your life as soon as possible.

You fucking knobshiner.


Furthermore:

"Product of the '80s": Fucking what?

"Lady GaGa": Tits or GTFO

"Josiah Leming": Unless you're a Blocker Lemming, get the fuck out of my face, for you are of no practical use whatsoever.

"Barcelona": I've got an ice cold steel bar with your names written all over it. Now who wants to fucking dance?

Fail-O-Meter:

21.12.08

Suicidal Sharks



http://www.tmz.com/2008/12/18/shark-commits-suicide-on-waterslide/


No. That's a bad shark.

You cannot go on the waterslide. You are a shark.

You can't even handle chlorine.

Fail-O-Meter:

20.12.08

Upside-Down Christmas Trees



You're doing it wrong.

Fail-O-Meter:

17.12.08

Mambo and The Chaser's new line of T-Shirts.



Click here for more of this craptastic feat of fail.

This is getting ridiculous. How is it at all possible that a once mighty troupe of fresh, exciting satirists is now perilously close to jumping the shark, despite having been off the air for the past 18 months? Seriously now, "A funny t-shirt won't stop you being a boring prick."? How about instead, you have "A retarded t-shirt won't stop The Chaser from turning into a pack of dickless fucks."?

And furthermore, does anyone remember a point in time where Mambo produced clothing that DIDN'T look like a corn fed hippopotamus with hepatitis had thrown up on the unwashed cumrag of a 14 year old Lord of the Rings supernerd?

Yeah. Me neither.

Fail-O-Meter:

12.12.08

Ant Circus



There's a very good reason why you've never seen the words "Exciting" and "Entomology" used in the same sentence before. There's also a good reason why you've never heard myrmecology being described as "magic".

It's not exciting. It's not even magic. It's just fucking ants. Digging. Straight down. Whoopee.

Fail-O-Meter:

11.12.08

Gillette Fusion Power Razor

Seriously every time I need new razors Gillette & Coles rape both me and my wallet up the arse... Hard. I swear to god that one day I'm going to grow some fuck off grizzly beard rock up to Gillette's head office and be like "What's up now?". Yeah that will be sweet...

But I digress...

Let's run thought some of the features of Gillette's new Fusion Power Razor.

First up this razor has 5 blades (not including the one on the back but we'll get to that in a moment). Why I need 5 blades to shave one face is beyond me. Yeah sure I've seen the ads where if the first blade doesn't get a whisker the second on will ect ect. I don't buy it and am calling shenanigans on the whole thing.

SHENANIGANS I SAY!!!

Secondly what's up with the blade on the back? The only thing I could see this being useful for is if someone attacked you while you were shaving you could use it to cut them up a little.

An finally whoever at Gillette though it was a good idea to incorporate vibration into something with 6 blades that you use on your face needs to be shot. Seriously was that a wise move? If next time you see me my face is a cut up to shit you'll have your answer.

Fail-O-Meter:


10.12.08

2.12.08

People who assume that just because I wear a shirt and tie I work for every fucking retail store in Launceston

I swear to god I'm going to start carrying a knife in my work pants so the next time someone asks me "Excuse me, could you tell me how much these slacks are?" I can stab them in the fucking forehead.

Fail-O-Meter:

1.12.08

This shit

As the global financial crisis continues to make headlines around the world, talk is inevitably turning to who is to blame.

The usual suspects have been wheeled out — greedy investment bankers, greedy investors, greedy politicians and so on — but it seems a group of Aussie legends could be inadvertantly to blame.

According the UK Guardian's music critic, Alexis Petridis, Aussie rockers AC/DC's ascension to the top of the UK charts amid the current crisis may be no coincidence. Every time the iconic rockers have topped the charts, financial catastrophe has shortly followed, particularly in the UK.

Shortly after the band formed in Sydney in 1973, the world was hit by the global oil crisis, which saw prices quadruple. In 1980, meanwhile, as the UK struggled with inflation at 20 percent and unemployment hit 2 million, AC/DC released Back in Black.

As Australia was gripped by "the recession we had to have" in 1990 and interest rates soared towards 20 percent, AC/DC scored a remarkable comeback with The Razor's Edge.

Fast forward to 2008 as the world is gripped by the biggest financial crisis since the great depression and guess who's comback album is number one in the UK? That's right, AC/DC's Black Ice.




Fail-O-Meter:

Beer "time outs"

Ten minute "time outs" every hour where no alcohol is served are among a range of tough new restriction on the service of alcohol in pubs and clubs across NSW from today.

Useless idea is useless.

Fail-O-Meter: