Lacrosse

What the fucking fuck even is this stupid game?

A bunch of over-privileged retards skipping around a field, wailing on each other with sticks.

And those helmets are ridiculous.

Die.

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Personalised number plates

Nothing says "short-sighted fucktard" like a stupidly expensive 7 character phrase that was funny once for about 3 seconds.

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Corporate Name-Sponsored Stadiums

Man, back in the day sports venues used to sound so cool. You'd have simple, completely badass sounding places like The Coliseum, or Meadowlands, or York Motherfucking Park. Nowadays it seems like every retard and his cheque book can throw his dick and balls on the side of an arena and call it "corporate sponsorship". To make matters worse, they sound RIDICULOUS. Hisense Arena? Izod Centre? ETIHAD STADIUM?

FUCK. THAT.

When I get good and rich, I'm going to buy a stadium and rename it myself. Just for shits and giggles, I'll buy the team that plays there and rename that too! Fuck it, I'm going to throw money everywhere at everyone. You can't stop me, chief. I'm in the fucking ZONE.

From 2015 on you'll be able to see the New Jersey Suckmydicks playing at Eatmyshit Arena, as they make their way towards their third Cockface Cup in a row. Games broadcast exclusively on the Everyone's Shitty Poo Network.

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Dudes who should be bald, but aren't

The type of muppet who tries to defy the will of nature by going to Advanced Hair or using fucking Rogain or Dimoxinyl or whatfuckingever. You know the type. By all accounts, they should be sporting a dome by now, but instead they've used filthy gypsy cheats and grown their hair back. So now they flaunt their non-baldness by doing ridiculous shit with it like in the above. The end result bares an uncanny resemblance to a burnt out abandoned sparrows nest.

Take the hint. You've run the hair gauntlet, and you fucking well lost. Deal with it.

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Military Re-enactments

What a staggering, mind-numbing, face-boiling, soul-depriving waste of fucking time.

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Blogs that turn into Books

Why the fuck would I want a shitty paperback version of someone's shitty wordpress?
Why the fuck would I want to PAY for that, when I can Firefox the shit out of it for free?
Why the fuck do you think your shitty bullshit blog fuckwittery would have even the smallest chance of standing up for itself in the vast literary world?

And, finally, but most importantly:

How the fuck are you going to repay me because my Boss yelled at me because I couldn't ALT+TAB my way out of your dumbfuck blogbook when I saw him coming?

Eat shit, kill yourself, repeat.

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Removing Stickers

You know when you buy a DVD or a CD or a book or some shit and all you want to do is be happy with your purchase and look at the nice clean cover art in all it's complete glory? But then you can't because you look down and there's a fucking horrible enormous piece of shit sticker on the front that says some horrible crap like "OPRAH'S VAGINA RECOMMENDS YOU GET THIS OTHER FUCKING TRIPE INSTEAD OF THIS".

And so you go to peel the damn thing off and that starts out innocently enough, but then you hear this horrible ripping sound and all of a sudden WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HORRIBLE WHITE SHIT AND WHY WON'T IT PEEL OFF LIKE THE REST OF THE FUCKING THING.

And then it's just fucking THERE. Looking at you in the face. And you're sitting there going I JUST WANT A FUCKING CLEAN COVER WITHOUT THIS STICKY SHIT ON IT.

And to make matters even worse, you can't rest anything on top of it for like... a month. Because if you do, whatever's on top fucking STICKS TO HORRIBLE RESIDUE CRAP THAT'S STILL THERE. EVEN AFTER A WHOLE GODDAMN MONTH.

FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

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Pre-Emptive Fail: Jessica Watson

Now, listen sweetheart. I'm going to make this perfectly clear. I'm not heaping shit onto your little sailing playtime effort because you're a girl. Nor am I doing it because of your youth. I'm doing it because, quite clearly, you are an absolutely atrocious sailor who shouldn't be allowed to command the helm of a newspaper boat floating in an infants bathtub, let alone the ridiculous pink abomination that you call a "yacht".

Not only did you fail miserably before you even began the first attempt due to nothing else but clear blind stupidity on your behalf, but you failed to log a subsequent trip to Sydney with safety authorities.

Normally this is the kind of self-righteous teen angst that results in you not being allowed to go to Sally Sillybitches' totally bitchin' sweet sixteenth party, followed closely by the slamming of the bedroom door, and a wall of wailing tears muffled out by Pink's "Funhouse" album being played at 342 decibels through a poorly constructed Telefunken Mini Hi-Fi system.

In this instance, however, it's going to result in a crippled, capsized piece of floating timber about 1200kms off the coast of Tahiti, a ridiculous rescue bill and a very bruised ego.

And I, for one, will be more than happy to tell you "We told you so" upon your shameful return to dry land, you stupid little girl.

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Astrology/Starsigns/Horoscopes

Starsigns and astrology are swindles made up by Gypsies to fool idiots like you into thinking that some bullshit dot-to-dot drawing that some shrooming hippie freak drew in the night sky has influence in your supposed "life".

It doesn't.

They're just stars.

Useless, good for nothing stars.

And yet you continue to fall for these filthy Gypsies and their shady Gypsy curses they put on you every single day in the form of the utterly retarded horoscope.

So here you go. I have prepared for you, your first and only completely accurate, 100% Gypsy-free insight into your own future. Enjoy.

HOROSCOPE FOR TOMORROW FOR ALL STAR SIGNS:

Something altogether vague may or may not happen to you, and there's a strong likelihood that you're an impotent bitch.

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Pizza Makers

What a useless piece of fucking shit.

Do you know what other kitchen appliance can be equally as effective in the cooking of a pizza?

An oven. A fucking oven.

Added bonus: Cooking a pizza in an oven is a surefire way to ensure that your pizza doesn't look the 3-day old vomit omelette that you see above.

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This shit

Broke Men committing Heresy.

A modern-day remake of the film (The Warriors) is set to be directed by some shitforbrains, with a tentative release date of 2010. The remake may include real gang members and try to create a modern version of the story, set in Not New York. And just recently veteran actor weak dog has been chosen to play a role that he'll suck at.

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The Economic Stimulus Package

Fuck yes! We'll give everyone money! Lots of fucking money! What a brilliant idea!

We'll give it in packages! Shit, some people can have two or three if they like! The more deadbeat and fucked they are, the more we'll give them! It'll be a money party, and everyone is invited except for that one guy Tyse, who decided to be responsible and study last year and graduate instead of sit around with his thumb up his arse like everyone else did. Ergo, he can go fuck himself.

Well, FUCK YOU you greedy, mindless cunts.

Go buy your pointless shit that'll make you happy for about 10 seconds, and I'll just sit here and stare at my HECS bill which is both in 5-figure territory, and not getting any smaller.

But that's alright. That's al-fucking-right because at least I've got an education. An education which, despite it costing me fucking shitloads of money, is apparently cunting worthless to the Government.

Kiss my fucking dick, the whole goddamn lot of you.

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Ridiculous Superstitions

Today I broke a mirror under a ladder whilst kicking a black cat into an open umbrella that was sitting in a pool of spilt salt on my living room floor.

Fucking come at me.

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Drawn-On Eyebrows

You're not fooling anyone, you fucking mongcunts.

Fail-O-Meter:

Watermelon Helmets

Fucking what?

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Good Sportsmanship

A HIGH school basketball coach was sacked after he refused to apologise for his team's 100-0 thrashing of a crosstown rival.

The Covenant School in Dallas, Texas, beat the Dallas Academy by the stunning margin in a match played on January 13.

Last week, the school posted a message on its website apologising for the win. "It is shameful and an embarrassment that this happened. This clearly does not reflect a Christlike and honourable approach to competition," the message read.

Fuck that.

You seriously wanted him to apologise to the other team because he was apparently ruling at his job?

Here's an apology for them: "I'm sorry your team SUCKS ASS."

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New Years Resolutions

What kind of idiot needs the promise of a new year to finally motivate self-improvement?

I'll tell you who: Weak, gutless, space wasting dogs who probably work in data management or technical support centres.

They're nothing more than shallow, bullshit ideas that get flushed down the toilet along with the January 1st AGB. Because that's essentially what they are. Shit. Absolute fucking shit.

I've got a New Years Resolution for you: FUCK. OFF.

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Upside-Down Christmas Trees

You're doing it wrong.

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Mambo and The Chaser's new line of T-Shirts.

Click here for more of this craptastic feat of fail.

This is getting ridiculous. How is it at all possible that a once mighty troupe of fresh, exciting satirists is now perilously close to jumping the shark, despite having been off the air for the past 18 months? Seriously now, "A funny t-shirt won't stop you being a boring prick."? How about instead, you have "A retarded t-shirt won't stop The Chaser from turning into a pack of dickless fucks."?

And furthermore, does anyone remember a point in time where Mambo produced clothing that DIDN'T look like a corn fed hippopotamus with hepatitis had thrown up on the unwashed cumrag of a 14 year old Lord of the Rings supernerd?

Yeah. Me neither.

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Ant Circus

There's a very good reason why you've never seen the words "Exciting" and "Entomology" used in the same sentence before. There's also a good reason why you've never heard myrmecology being described as "magic".

It's not exciting. It's not even magic. It's just fucking ants. Digging. Straight down. Whoopee.

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