Removing Stickers

You know when you buy a DVD or a CD or a book or some shit and all you want to do is be happy with your purchase and look at the nice clean cover art in all it's complete glory? But then you can't because you look down and there's a fucking horrible enormous piece of shit sticker on the front that says some horrible crap like "OPRAH'S VAGINA RECOMMENDS YOU GET THIS OTHER FUCKING TRIPE INSTEAD OF THIS".

And so you go to peel the damn thing off and that starts out innocently enough, but then you hear this horrible ripping sound and all of a sudden WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HORRIBLE WHITE SHIT AND WHY WON'T IT PEEL OFF LIKE THE REST OF THE FUCKING THING.

And then it's just fucking THERE. Looking at you in the face. And you're sitting there going I JUST WANT A FUCKING CLEAN COVER WITHOUT THIS STICKY SHIT ON IT.

And to make matters even worse, you can't rest anything on top of it for like... a month. Because if you do, whatever's on top fucking STICKS TO HORRIBLE RESIDUE CRAP THAT'S STILL THERE. EVEN AFTER A WHOLE GODDAMN MONTH.

FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

Fail-O-Meter:

Power Adapters

That's cool. I didn't need that second socket anyways.

Fail-O-Meter:

Dancing

You look like a fuckhead.

Fail-O-Meter:

Go Duster

Go Duster makes dusting fast, easy and fun!

Unless that duster comes with a hit of acid I can guarantee it won't be fun.

Fail-O-Meter:

Swine Flu

Pfft. Swine Flu? That's a funny name for a horrible disease.

Fail-O-Meter:

The Gasmate "Vega Specialist" Barbeque

That's what it's actually called. I'm not making this up.

No. That's a bad barbeque.

You cannot defeat Vega. You are a barbeque.

You can't even get past Guile.

Fail-O-Meter:

Angelina Joile

"Angelina Jolie is said to be on a special diet to get pregnant. The star, who has six children with Brad Pitt, has reportedly taken several steps to ensure she is expecting again by mid-year."

Stop.

Fail-O-Meter:

This guy

Nice scarf, asshat.

Fail-O-Meter:

Council Regulations

What up now?

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

An Australian man says the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus have appeared in his lava lamp and ever since the “miracle” his life has been blessed.

Seriously, if I went to the press every time I saw some thing that sort for resembled a dude with a beard or some bird in robes and shit New Idea would owe me like a billion dollars.

Fail-O-Meter:

Inappropriate Crowd Movement

Bare with me on this one.

Picture this: It's Saturday night. You're out having a good time. Sure, the place is a little crowded, but you counteract that by forming a tight circle of mates, and you proceed to drink beers and shoot the shit. Everything's going swimmingly.

All of a sudden, you feel two hands lightly grab you either side of your waist from behind.

The mind, in a split second, whirs. The possibilities are endless. And then you turn around, only to discover that it was some fucking harlot trying to make their way through the crowd.

Who the FUCK just casually grabs the waist of a complete stranger?

Do I know you? Are you some long lost mate "'avin a laff"? Are you Scarlett Johannson, coming to surprise me after being finally wooed by pile after pile of my borderline-psychotic "fan mail"?

No. You are not. You are no one. Do not grab my fucking waist. Ever.

Here's how it's done: One hand. Open palm. Right between the shoulderblades. This can be accompanied by an audible "Excuse me, cobber." or, "Sorry, champ".

Simple.

I'll even put in pictures for you.

This:

is acceptable.

This, however:

is going to earn you an elbow in the teeth.

You have been forewarned.

Fail-O-Meter:

The things that I hate.

Fuck those things.

Fail-O-Meter: