Bad Buskers who insist on being called "Musicians"

Open up your braintanks, because I'm about to drop some premium, 91 Octane knowledge.

If your most regular gig is a tram stop, you're not a musician, you're a complete fucking annoyance.

Fail-O-Meter:

Justin Bieber

There's just something about his stupid weasel-face that's ever-so-punchable.

Fuck. Look at him. Even when he's bungy jumping he keeps that "HURRRRRDURRRRRRR" shit eating look.

I don't know much about this world, but I do know that there's a blazing hot fire with this little polesmoker's name written all over it.

Get fucked.

Fail-O-Meter:

James Cameron

With all this 3D fuckwittery that he's got going on, you'd think he'd utilise the same technology to trick his wife into finally thinking that he does, in fact, possess a functioning set of testes.

But apparently he's content to eternally remain a dickless wonder.

Fail-O-Meter:

Dinara Safina

Woah! Put her back in! She's not done yet!

Fail-O-Meter:

Jay Leno

Miserably retarded hack who's been rehashing the same jokes that have been stale since 1992. Furthermore, is a Chinbeast that should hung, drawn and quartered in a public square alongside such other mythical beasts as Gojira, Gamera, Mecha-Streisand, and JizzBoy: The Boy made of Jizz.

Fail-O-Meter:

Joe McElderry

That right there is not only the little shitforbrains who got his chart-related arse handed to him by a fucking Facebook group, but he's also your unbackable favourite for "World's Biggest Shit-Eating Grin 2009".

Fail-O-Meter:

Luke Steele

There is no fire hot enough to remove the lingering stain that is your life from this earth.

Stop. Please, for fucks sake, stop.

Fail-O-Meter:

Shia LeBouf

Talentless shit who's clearly the long-lost lovespawn of Gallagher, Ratburn and a rusty shovel.

Fail-O-Meter:

"Blogger"...

...is not a profession. Neither is photographer, artist, designer, dancer, taxation barrister or speed freak.

Do you know how many people have made a living off of any of those?

Six.

There are about 25 million fuckheads just like you wasting space about the world.

Do the math, shithead.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who still fall for internet phishing and spam.

It's 2009, dickheads. The kindly stranger named Rodergo Y Ramirez is not genuinely asking about your well being in your Junk E-Mail folder. He wants your shit.

People like you are the reason why justifiable murder should be legal.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who try to verbally describe a series of text messages they received

You know the ones. The kind of people who look at you with that horrible shit-eating grin and proudly proceed to rob you of 5 minutes of your life that you're never getting back by saying something that sounds like this:

"...and so I sent: blahblahblah

And then they replied: fapfapfap

And so I sent back: blahblahblah

And then they replied again: fapfapfap

And so I replied this time with: blahblahblah

And then they sent back: fapfapfap

And so I replied to that with: blahblahblah

And then they replied: fapfapfap"

And while they're doing it you can literally feel your soul cower into the fetal position and weep just a little bit.

Die. Fucking die.

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

No.

Nobody fucking cares, Bruce Jackson.

Fuck off. Seriously. Fuck the fuck right off.

You look like a pomegranate.

Fail-O-Meter:

Erin Burnett

Australian Pime Minister Kevin Rudd has been labelled a serial killer on US TV for approving the culling of feral camels.

Erin Burnett, an anchor on American financial news channel CNBC, launched a verbal attack targetting Rudd following his government's decision to spend $A19 million to cull feral camels in the outback.

What a stupid fucking whore. Firstly, on live national TV no less, this ridiculous waste of human cognition just called the FREELY ELECTED LEADER of an ENTIRE DEMOCRATIC NATION a serial killer. A nation who is a strong ally (not only in silly games of conservative wartime grabass, but in important things like trade, arts, Hugh Jackman and economics) of her precious and oh-so-infallible USA, for that matter.

Secondly, her little camel rant was hands down the most ill-informed piece of shit I've ever heard in my life. Seriously. The unintelligible garble on Blue's Fucking Clues is more informed than this horrible shittits.

Why the fuck would you go on a dickshitting rant like that when ONE SIMPLE WIKIPEDIA SEARCH would yield you an abundance of legitimate reasons for culling Camels. Fuck. Save the camels? Alright. How about we shove 1,000,000 feral camels in your enormous gaping vagina, because you clearly have the room for it, what with all the feral dick that's obviously been all up in there.

Furthermore, there is absolutely no way that I'm taking sound financial advice from someone who's gotten their baps out for fucking Maxim magazine.

What a fucking joke. A pox on thee, you fucking dumb twat.

Fail-O-Meter:

Lady Gaga

Fail-O-Meter:

Lance Armstrong

The only reason you're doing as well as you are is because

a) You're riding the coattails of everyone else.

and b) You've got a FUCK OFF good team who are ensuring Le Tour follows the organisers script.

And yes, I just said script. Because the Tour de France is quite obviously rigged.

If it wasn't rigged, you'd be fucking failing over all the place, and no one (not even your average useless French dicklicker) wants to see a one nutted retard finish 164th.

Go home, Grandpa.

Fail-O-Meter:

Joe Jackson

No.

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

I definitely don't like that crackwhore transvestite Lady GaGa and therefore I sure as shit am not going to like this pumpkin-faced "Clubkid" fuckwit. What a fucking stupid dickshitting name.

Get murdered.

Fail-O-Meter:

Jason Jackson

"An Australian from the backblocks of western Sydney believes he has what it takes to moonwalk in Michael Jackson's shoes.

"I believe I am alive today because God saved me for this - to make people happy. I have a message to give, the same as Michael," he said yesterday.

Just 10 minutes after Jackson's death Jason's phone started ringing. It hasn't stopped. He and his manager, his mum Theresa, have taken more than 200 calls and made 80 bookings, a far cry from the three inquiries a week he was used to.

With barely enough time to grieve for the man whom he calls a "second father", Jason said he had so many offers it was now "make-or-break" time."

Is this shit real? Seriously do people like this actually exist? If so...

Fail-O-Meter:

Dane Cook

You've got a head like a kettle and the comedic appeal of dried up duck shit.

Shut the fuck up.

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

Seriously if you know this person I will pay a lot of money for you to imprison him somewhere so I can come and give him a savage; savage beating. Who wants to chip in?

Fail-O-Meter: