Dudes who still "octopus" their guitar strings

It's not 1998 and you're not in Static X.

Clean your shit up.

Fail-O-Meter:

Joe McElderry

That right there is not only the little shitforbrains who got his chart-related arse handed to him by a fucking Facebook group, but he's also your unbackable favourite for "World's Biggest Shit-Eating Grin 2009".

Fail-O-Meter:

Japanese Spambots

FUCKING ALL UP IN MY SHIT RUINING MY COMMENTS BOX

FUCK. OFF.

Fail-O-Meter:

Blogs that turn into Books

Why the fuck would I want a shitty paperback version of someone's shitty wordpress?
Why the fuck would I want to PAY for that, when I can Firefox the shit out of it for free?
Why the fuck do you think your shitty bullshit blog fuckwittery would have even the smallest chance of standing up for itself in the vast literary world?

And, finally, but most importantly:

How the fuck are you going to repay me because my Boss yelled at me because I couldn't ALT+TAB my way out of your dumbfuck blogbook when I saw him coming?

Eat shit, kill yourself, repeat.

Fail-O-Meter:

The ARIA Awards

I'm convinced that the statue is designed like that in the faint hope that the utter shitfucks who actually win these "awards" take the hint and use the statue to skewer their own brains out.

What a fucking joke.

Fail-O-Meter:

Mexico

FUCK YOU, MEXICO.

NO EXCLUSIVE GARDEN JAWA FOR YOU.

BITCH.

Fail-O-Meter:

Luke Steele

There is no fire hot enough to remove the lingering stain that is your life from this earth.

Stop. Please, for fucks sake, stop.

Fail-O-Meter:

Algebra

Consider the following:

x = a+b+c+d(y+z+b)

Assume the following to be true:

a = 6
b = 21
c = 3
d = 11
y = 25
z = 15

So therefore:

x = 6+21+3+11(25+15+21)

Now convert the integers to their corresponding capitalised alphabetical values, and simplify the equation.

This makes the equation read thusly:

x = FUCK(YOU)

Solve that, shithead.

Fail-O-Meter:

Shia LeBouf

Talentless shit who's clearly the long-lost lovespawn of Gallagher, Ratburn and a rusty shovel.

Fail-O-Meter:

Music Festival Shoulder-Sitters

Get the fuck down.

Fail-O-Meter:

Iceland

McDonald's will close its restaurants in Iceland this week after currency fluctuations threatened to make Icelandic Big Macs the world's most expensive.

Magnus Ogmundsson, CEO of Iceland's McDonald’s franchise owner Lyst, told Bloomberg that rising costs would have meant a Big Mac would cost US$6.36, the most expensive in the world, according to the Economist's Big Mac Index.

Norway and Switzerland currently have the world’s most expensive Big Macs, at US$5.75.

Iceland's economy collapsed last year as the global financial crisis gathered pace leaving Icelanders grappling with soaring prices and a national currency – the kronur – that dived 80 percent as the nation’s banks collapsed.

LIST OF REASONS WHY ICELAND SHOULD NUKE ITSELF IMMEDIATELY

- Can't produce a cheaper burger than those Swiss fence-sitting freaks.

- Chief export: Bjork.

- Landmass looks like a badly decomposed crab.

- Despite proximity to the Arctic Circle and thus extreme familiarity with ice, couldn't beat a team of Yankee street punk fuckups at Ice Hockey at the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games.

- General populous probably smells like fish.

Fail-O-Meter:

The ever-changing Facebook UI

If you keep touching it, it's going to drop off.

Fail-O-Meter:

Parenting

You're doing it wrong.

Fail-O-Meter:

"Blogger"...

...is not a profession. Neither is photographer, artist, designer, dancer, taxation barrister or speed freak.

Do you know how many people have made a living off of any of those?

Six.

There are about 25 million fuckheads just like you wasting space about the world.

Do the math, shithead.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who still fall for internet phishing and spam.

It's 2009, dickheads. The kindly stranger named Rodergo Y Ramirez is not genuinely asking about your well being in your Junk E-Mail folder. He wants your shit.

People like you are the reason why justifiable murder should be legal.

Fail-O-Meter:

Removing Stickers

You know when you buy a DVD or a CD or a book or some shit and all you want to do is be happy with your purchase and look at the nice clean cover art in all it's complete glory? But then you can't because you look down and there's a fucking horrible enormous piece of shit sticker on the front that says some horrible crap like "OPRAH'S VAGINA RECOMMENDS YOU GET THIS OTHER FUCKING TRIPE INSTEAD OF THIS".

And so you go to peel the damn thing off and that starts out innocently enough, but then you hear this horrible ripping sound and all of a sudden WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HORRIBLE WHITE SHIT AND WHY WON'T IT PEEL OFF LIKE THE REST OF THE FUCKING THING.

And then it's just fucking THERE. Looking at you in the face. And you're sitting there going I JUST WANT A FUCKING CLEAN COVER WITHOUT THIS STICKY SHIT ON IT.

And to make matters even worse, you can't rest anything on top of it for like... a month. Because if you do, whatever's on top fucking STICKS TO HORRIBLE RESIDUE CRAP THAT'S STILL THERE. EVEN AFTER A WHOLE GODDAMN MONTH.

FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

Fail-O-Meter:

Pre-Emptive Fail: Jessica Watson

Now, listen sweetheart. I'm going to make this perfectly clear. I'm not heaping shit onto your little sailing playtime effort because you're a girl. Nor am I doing it because of your youth. I'm doing it because, quite clearly, you are an absolutely atrocious sailor who shouldn't be allowed to command the helm of a newspaper boat floating in an infants bathtub, let alone the ridiculous pink abomination that you call a "yacht".

Not only did you fail miserably before you even began the first attempt due to nothing else but clear blind stupidity on your behalf, but you failed to log a subsequent trip to Sydney with safety authorities.

Normally this is the kind of self-righteous teen angst that results in you not being allowed to go to Sally Sillybitches' totally bitchin' sweet sixteenth party, followed closely by the slamming of the bedroom door, and a wall of wailing tears muffled out by Pink's "Funhouse" album being played at 342 decibels through a poorly constructed Telefunken Mini Hi-Fi system.

In this instance, however, it's going to result in a crippled, capsized piece of floating timber about 1200kms off the coast of Tahiti, a ridiculous rescue bill and a very bruised ego.

And I, for one, will be more than happy to tell you "We told you so" upon your shameful return to dry land, you stupid little girl.

Fail-O-Meter:

Tieless Suits

Wearing a suit without a tie is like driving a car without petrol.

Either way, you end up sitting in a big, useless, ugly looking piece of crap all night.

And everyone thinks you're a dick.

Fail-O-Meter:

PS3 Slim

Can it make my dinner and suck my dick?

No?

Well then it can fuck right off.

Fail-O-Meter:

Astrology/Starsigns/Horoscopes

Starsigns and astrology are swindles made up by Gypsies to fool idiots like you into thinking that some bullshit dot-to-dot drawing that some shrooming hippie freak drew in the night sky has influence in your supposed "life".

It doesn't.

They're just stars.

Useless, good for nothing stars.

And yet you continue to fall for these filthy Gypsies and their shady Gypsy curses they put on you every single day in the form of the utterly retarded horoscope.

So here you go. I have prepared for you, your first and only completely accurate, 100% Gypsy-free insight into your own future. Enjoy.

HOROSCOPE FOR TOMORROW FOR ALL STAR SIGNS:

Something altogether vague may or may not happen to you, and there's a strong likelihood that you're an impotent bitch.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who try to verbally describe a series of text messages they received

You know the ones. The kind of people who look at you with that horrible shit-eating grin and proudly proceed to rob you of 5 minutes of your life that you're never getting back by saying something that sounds like this:

"...and so I sent: blahblahblah

And then they replied: fapfapfap

And so I sent back: blahblahblah

And then they replied again: fapfapfap

And so I replied this time with: blahblahblah

And then they sent back: fapfapfap

And so I replied to that with: blahblahblah

And then they replied: fapfapfap"

And while they're doing it you can literally feel your soul cower into the fetal position and weep just a little bit.

Die. Fucking die.

Fail-O-Meter:

Everything that Lynyrd Skynyrd's done post-1977

I've heard of flogging a dead horse, but this is ridiculous.

Fail-O-Meter:

Brett Favre (cont'd)

Brett Favre signs with the Minnesota Vikings.

You son of a bitch.

If, during World War II, Winston Churchill had defected to Nazi Germany, paired up with Hitler and not only led them to a crushing, world-conquering victory, but joined him in touring every major city in the world, butt-raping every child and small dog in sight whilst simultaneously running nails down chalkboards and stabbing kittens with AIDS knives...

...IF that had happened, you signing to the Vikings would still be worse.

Get FUCKED.

Fail-O-Meter:

Smith's Chips "Gobbledok"

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST KILL IT KILL IT WITH FIRE

Fail-O-Meter:

"Best 2009 Film"

Really? That's the best you could come up with? REALLY?

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

No.

Nobody fucking cares, Bruce Jackson.

Fuck off. Seriously. Fuck the fuck right off.

You look like a pomegranate.

Fail-O-Meter: