Bryan Pape

When Kevin Rudd announced that he was handing out $900 to pretty much everyone but Tyse, 9 million Australians simultaneously went to the nearest window, opened it and screamed out "Mo' money WHAT!". They then proceeded to download this song and made it their new ringtone.

Then this douche comes along and is like... no.

Now I'm no big city "academic" like Mr Pape but the one thing I do know about recessions is that if nobody spends any money that makes things worse. Fortunatley for pretty much anyone but Tyse the case got thrown out of court. I'm going to spend my money on a sky writer and have them write "Fuck off Bryan Pape" over Canberra. Sweet.

Fail-O-Meter:

People complaining about it being cold already

For fuck sake it's April. HARDEN THE FUCK UP!!!

When I was a kid in winter we use to have a bowl of ice for breakfast then went to school in our stubbies and played football on an oval made of permafrost, and we liked it. It was fucking awesome!

Fail-O-Meter:

The Economic Stimulus Package

Fuck yes! We'll give everyone money! Lots of fucking money! What a brilliant idea!

We'll give it in packages! Shit, some people can have two or three if they like! The more deadbeat and fucked they are, the more we'll give them! It'll be a money party, and everyone is invited except for that one guy Tyse, who decided to be responsible and study last year and graduate instead of sit around with his thumb up his arse like everyone else did. Ergo, he can go fuck himself.

Well, FUCK YOU you greedy, mindless cunts.

Go buy your pointless shit that'll make you happy for about 10 seconds, and I'll just sit here and stare at my HECS bill which is both in 5-figure territory, and not getting any smaller.

But that's alright. That's al-fucking-right because at least I've got an education. An education which, despite it costing me fucking shitloads of money, is apparently cunting worthless to the Government.

Kiss my fucking dick, the whole goddamn lot of you.

Fail-O-Meter:

April Fools Day

Pointless. Retarded. Utterly shitful.

"Oh wow, sweet, you put soap in my coffee! Har-de-fucking-har!"

"No way! A clown flower that squirted me with water! How original! The fact that it was fucking plastic didn't tip me off at all!"

"Oh shit! You duct-taped me to a flagpole! Boy, I did not see that one coming. I especially didn't see it coming during those 2 hours when you were duct-taping me to a flagpole."

Next year, I'm going to prank someone by threatening to punch them in the face.

Then I will laugh.

And then they will laugh.

And then I will punch them in the face.

Fail-O-Meter:

Greenhorns

TEN people have died from drinking poisoned home-made booze in a northern Iranian province despite a ban on alcohol consumption, the Mehr news agency reported.

The report issued today did not specify when the deaths occurred but said the incident took place in Rasht, the capital of the province of Gilan.

Quoting local police commander Bahman Ameri Mogaddam, Mehr said at least 27 people were being treated in hospital after consuming the spirits and that two were in critical condition.

Home-made spirits are largely consumed in poorer neighbourhoods but the use of industrial chemicals in their production poses serious health risks.

Good FUCKING grief.

YOU'RE.

DOING.

IT.

WRONG.

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Polar Bears

Potentially fatal to the polar bear, global warming has already left its mark on the species with smaller, less robust bears that are increasingly showing cannibalistic tendencies.

You stupid fucks. Why on earth are you eating each other when there are plenty of useless fucking Eskimos about for you to gnaw on and gain precious sustenance?

Learn to hunt, fuckers.

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Ridiculous Superstitions

Today I broke a mirror under a ladder whilst kicking a black cat into an open umbrella that was sitting in a pool of spilt salt on my living room floor.

Fucking come at me.

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Drawn-On Eyebrows

You're not fooling anyone, you fucking mongcunts.

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

NO WAY! SOMEONE CALL FUCKING RIPLEY'S. FUCK.

Fail-O-Meter:

Lesbian Batwoman

"Batwoman is making a comeback, replacing Batman - who is missing, presumed dead - in the popular DC Comics series. And this time around the superheroine's alter ego, Kathy Kane, is a red-headed lesbian."

Wat. Look I have no problems with lesbians or red heds but Jesus Christ this is like killing off Superman with a transsexual gorilla who sources it's power from radioactive bananas. As if batman could ever die anyway, years of training in the bat cave has prepared him for anything.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who wear that cheer up emo kid t-shirt

Only two types of people wear this t-shirt..

• Cockheads
• Emo's

I don't understand why emo's wear this shirt... Are they trying to be self deprecating or do they actually believe they are not emo's? When you look at the emo's who wear this shirt it's like "you are clearly emo"; I don't get it.

On the other side of the coin are complete cockheads. These are the dudes who in high school were just total smart arse douche's. You know that dude who you always wanted to punch in the face in high school but never did. The guy who you refuse to talk to at the pub even though you've just had a D&M with a guy who made you eat dirt at footy practice all through grade 9. You know that guy...(or maybe I am just digging up some unresolved issues from my childhood... and yes I'm drunk again)

Anyways, the t-shirt sucks and if I see you in one I'll punch you in the throat.

Fail-O-Meter:

That guy from so you think you can dance

Hey do you want to try out for my new show?

It's called "So you think you can come on Good News Week and make up for your complete lack of comedic value by dancing with Georgie ParGET THE FUCK OF MY TELEVISION FUCK FACE!!!"

Fail-O-Meter:

Germaine Greer

http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_7880000/7880680.stm

Shut up. Shut up. You fucking ridiculous, stupid whore. Shut up.

Fail-O-Meter:

"Sunday Night"

As if I didn't have to put up with enough sensationalistic journalism as it is; now I have to deal with this tripe while I'm hungover and dreading work the next day.

I'll give you the hot scoop on Britt Lapthorne. The chick died like 6 months ago and I really don't give a shit any more. Seriously it's a horrible thing that she was murdered/drowned/eaten by sea beasts whatever, but why is she so important that I have to hear about it every 5 minutes?

People get killed every day yo. That's how it goes down on the streets you know? For real tho.

I'm drunk..so what? It's beautiful...

Fail-O-Meter:

Angelina Joile

"Angelina Jolie is said to be on a special diet to get pregnant. The star, who has six children with Brad Pitt, has reportedly taken several steps to ensure she is expecting again by mid-year."

Stop.

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