This idiot

No, not the dumbfuck reporter who knocked the cunting thing over.

The shithead who spent countless hours of his life building something entirely pointless, and then decided to gloat about it being a record BEFORE he got it officially confirmed.

Do you know why they say "Don't count your chickens before they've hatched", you fucking bell-end?

Because some of those chickens died. Just like your dreams.

Fail-O-Meter:

Claratyne

IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A TAKE-ONCE-EVERY-24-HOURS TABLET, THEN MAKE FUCKING SURE THAT IT FUCKING WORKS FOR 24 FUCKING HOURS, INSTEAD OF THE 3 FUCKING HOURS THAT IT FUCKING WORKED FOR ME TODAY, LEAVING ME TO FUCKING SIT HERE FOR THE OTHER 21 FUCKING HOURS TRYING TO PUT MY FUCKING PALM CLEAN THROUGH MY FUCKING EYE SOCKET AND OUT THE FUCKING BACK OF MY FUCKING HEAD.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK.

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Inappropriate Crowd Movement

Bare with me on this one.

Picture this: It's Saturday night. You're out having a good time. Sure, the place is a little crowded, but you counteract that by forming a tight circle of mates, and you proceed to drink beers and shoot the shit. Everything's going swimmingly.

All of a sudden, you feel two hands lightly grab you either side of your waist from behind.

The mind, in a split second, whirs. The possibilities are endless. And then you turn around, only to discover that it was some fucking harlot trying to make their way through the crowd.

Who the FUCK just casually grabs the waist of a complete stranger?

Do I know you? Are you some long lost mate "'avin a laff"? Are you Scarlett Johannson, coming to surprise me after being finally wooed by pile after pile of my borderline-psychotic "fan mail"?

No. You are not. You are no one. Do not grab my fucking waist. Ever.

Here's how it's done: One hand. Open palm. Right between the shoulderblades. This can be accompanied by an audible "Excuse me, cobber." or, "Sorry, champ".

Simple.

I'll even put in pictures for you.

This:

is acceptable.

This, however:

is going to earn you an elbow in the teeth.

You have been forewarned.

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Slow News Days

Awesome. Let me know how that works out for him.

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Harold Bishop

Actor Ian Smith has told The Sun newspaper in Britain that his years on the soap had not always been a bag of laughs, with strangers yelling insults at him and revving their cars outside his home.

"You know it's time to move on when you're being hassled outside your home every night by drunk idiots screaming abuse," Smith told the newspaper.

"I got so fed up I ended up calling the police. They were making my life hell. Every night at the same time they would drive up to my house and start revving their engines really loudly.

"I lost count of the times I was shouted at. They'd scream: 'Harold you fat so and so', but obviously their language was a lot stronger.

I think this is awesome. I fucking hate Harold Bishop and by proxy the actor that plays him and it is about time people started taking action to get this infuriating fuck of my television. I strongly recommend reading the full article, it gets better. Here is a snippet...

"Theatre is my first love and that's something I'm keen to get back into."

Hahaha, fuck off back to the theatre shithead. Fanfuckingtastic!!!

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Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?

This show is a fucking farce. More like "Are you smarter than some kid who was given the answers to all these questions like 20 minutes ago?"...

For example one of the questions that was on the other night "How long is a senators term in office in Australia?". Who the fuck knows that? I don't and I'm pretty damn sure your average 5th grader wouldn't either. Yet all these little fuckers somehow knew the answer. Fucking shenanigans.

SHENANIGANS I SAY!!!

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Tokio Hotel

What the crap is this? In my day this sort of shit booked you an appointment with Mr Soap in Sock.

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Stephanie Rice

The honours keep flying in for swimming's glamour girl Stephanie Rice with the RAAF naming a plane after her. The new AP-3C Orion, now known as Stephanie, was destined for success just like its namesake,Corporal Andrew Summers said.

“The long smooth figure and design is built for speed and manoeuvrability whilst maintaining its sense of gracefulness,” Cpl Summers said.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure being a swimmer garners her all sorts of wonderful misappropriated attention and publicity. Her's is a role that's important to us as Australians, after all.

But at some point you really do have to sit back and ask yourself, "Man, how many dicks has she sucked?"

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Paris Hilton (continued)

Paris Hilton is scared of going into space in case she doesn't return for 10,000 years.

She said, “I'm very scared to do it. What if I don't come back? With the whole light years thing, what if I come back 10,000 years later, and everyone I know is dead? I'll be like, 'Great. Now I have to start all over.'

Jesus fucking Christ I knew this bitch was stupid but god damn. Last time I checked Paris, Richard Branson isn't capable of travelling at light speed, and even if he was travelling at light speed it isn't going send you into the future. If you watched Stargate you would know this.

Fail-O-Meter:

'Til Death

CAST

Brad Garrett as "Eddie Stark": An unfunny knobjockey who ponces about like he's not the retarded offspring of Andre the Giant and Frankenstein's Bride.

That shithead from American Pie who sweats too much as "Jeff Woodcock": A guy who, like his actors real world personality, plays the "Hugh Grant stammering dickshitter card" in order to cover up the fact that he possesses the world's single largest pedo smirk.

Joely Fisher as "Joey Stark": Eddie's wife. Always correct. Makes smart remarks whilst waggling her index finger. The type of TV wife who, if it weren't for the fact that she was in possibly the wrost sitcom since "Joey", you'd be absolutely certain she spends most of her days straddling the 17 year old pool boy whilst her old man works himself into a heart attack at 38. Confident. Independent. Formulaic. Fucking boring.

J.B. Smoove as the aptly named "Some shitforbrains I don't fucking care about": Dude went from Curb Your Enthusiasm to this shitstorm. Enough said.

SYNOPSIS

Newlyweds move in next door to a long time married couple, and all seems well. But then, a series of entirely unhilarious events unfold, complete with humour on the same level as poorly timed "That's what she said!" or "Don't go there, girlfriend!" jokes. Then somehow a thinly veiled plot premise is revealed enabling each episode to barely limp over the 22 minute line.

The end result is a TV experience that leaves you wanting to chug the drain cleaner from under the sink and throw battery acid on your face so you can sit in front of a mirror and watch the flesh slowly melt away from the bone in a scene eerily reminiscent of the grand Nazi unveiling ceremony from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

For that would be an infinitely more interesting experience than this useless fucking piece of televisual bile.

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Bored Scientists

RESEARCHERS at Leicester University in the UK have reportedly found brain cells devoted to Friends star Jennifer Aniston and the Star Wars character Luke Skywalker. Scientists have discovered that single brain cells leap into action when shown pictures of celebrities, suggesting that individual cells are used to store memories of specific people or places.

Who the fuck cares?

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

No it isn't. Fuck off.

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Dr Phil's Gaming Behaviour Audit

Ever wanted to know if you we're addicted to video games but never knew how to find out? Don't worry!!! Dr Phil is here to save the day. Here are a few sample questions from Dr Phil's Gaming Behaviour Audit...

1. Have you lied to your friends or family to conceal your obsessive thinking about gaming?
2. Do you get restless and irritable when you are away from gaming or feel that you are restricted from your next gaming event?
3. Have you attempted to stop or cut back your gaming behavior, but failed because of the anxiety, depression or general stress you experience?
4. Do you feel you need to play online games because it gives you the self-esteem and confidence other activities don’t?
5. Have you lost or damaged job opportunities because of your obsessive gaming behavior?

Wow those are some really thought provoking questions. If you have answered “yes” or even “sometimes” to any of these questions, it is highly likely you are the gaming worlds equivalent of a hez fiend.

Hey Dr Phil, I've got an audit for you! It's called the "am I a big bald fuck" audit.

Question 1: Are you a big bald fuck?

If you answered "yes" or even "sometimes" to that question then it is highly likely that you are a big bald fuck. It is recommended that you seek help for this issue so that you can develop a healthy balance of mental health to your life.

DIAGNOSE THAT FUCKHEAD!!!

Fail-O-Meter:

Gin

There's only one kind of person who drinks this shit: Paupers living in 16th century London. And that's only because they've got Bubonic Plague.

Fucking vile swill.

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Donatella Versace

Run for your lives children!!! I 'll try to fend it off...

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