Clay Court Tennis

Any sport that Spaniards excel at should be universally outlawed.

Fail-O-Meter:

Bad Buskers who insist on being called "Musicians"

Open up your braintanks, because I'm about to drop some premium, 91 Octane knowledge.

If your most regular gig is a tram stop, you're not a musician, you're a complete fucking annoyance.

Fail-O-Meter:

Lacrosse

What the fucking fuck even is this stupid game?

A bunch of over-privileged retards skipping around a field, wailing on each other with sticks.

And those helmets are ridiculous.

Die.

Fail-O-Meter:

The advertising for Macgruber

"The funniest Saturday Night Live film since Wayne's World!"

What? I've got copies of Wayne's World 2, Coneheads, A Night at the Roxbury and Office Space that say otherwise.

"The best action-comedy since Beverly Hills Cop!"

Alright, now that's just a flat-out fucking lie. I haven't seen Macgruber at all and don't actually plan on doing so, but I'll stake my house and reputation on it not being the kind of movie that warrants a "best" of anything. Maybe in 6 months time it can grab a "Best value under $3" sticker on the front of the DVD, but that's it.

"Crude, ridiculous, and very, very funny!"

Fuck off, fuck off, fuck right off. Ryan Phillipe hasn't done a damn thing since the stupid dickhead ditched Reese Witherspoon (who does that? seriously?), and Will Forte would be a one-trick pony if only he learned whatever that one trick was.

Go see Hot Tub Time Machine instead.

Fail-O-Meter:

Justin Bieber

There's just something about his stupid weasel-face that's ever-so-punchable.

Fuck. Look at him. Even when he's bungy jumping he keeps that "HURRRRRDURRRRRRR" shit eating look.

I don't know much about this world, but I do know that there's a blazing hot fire with this little polesmoker's name written all over it.

Get fucked.

Fail-O-Meter:

Fuller

Seriously kid. Go easy on the Pepsi.

And stop smiling, you little shit.

Fail-O-Meter:

American Cheddar

Sourced from the deepest depths of Satan's toenails and delivered straight to the walls of your most vital arteries, this piss-poor dog's breakfast excuse for "cheese" looks like utter shit and tastes like utter arse. It's taste is so bad that it renders any and all foodstuffs it comes into contact with utterly useless, sapping the taste and nutritional value away like a sembiotic parasite; slowly ebbing away the foods' lifeforce until all that's left is a sad, pathetic grey lump of mush topped with this snot coloured glob of hell.

Fail-O-Meter:
Right here is where, in an ordinary world, you'd see our fancy little meter proclaiming this particular post to be of the category "Epic Fail".

However, in imageshack's infinte wisdom, they have decided to usurp the original image, and instead replace it with an ad spriuking their "thumbnail feature".

If I wanted fucking thumbnails, I'd travel across the globe to imageshack's HQ and forcibly remove the thumbnails of the guys who coded that feature using nothing more than a rusty pair of needlenose pliars, with a bucket of liquidised citric acid to soak the open wounds in.

Fuck you, Imageshack. Jerks.

The French

HOW ARE YOU EVEN A COUNTRY?

Fail-O-Meter:

The phrase "Oh no he/she didn't!"

Motherfucker, you were RIGHT FUCKING THERE. You saw it. You saw it with your own eyes, and you heard it with your own fucking ears. Of course they did it. They did it, and you know they that they did it. You know this, because you were FUCKING. WELL. THERE. So why question it? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHEN YOU JUST FUCKING WELL SAW THE SHIT.

You inattentive DICKHEAD. FUCK.

Fail-O-Meter:

Personalised number plates

Nothing says "short-sighted fucktard" like a stupidly expensive 7 character phrase that was funny once for about 3 seconds.

Fail-O-Meter:

James Cameron

With all this 3D fuckwittery that he's got going on, you'd think he'd utilise the same technology to trick his wife into finally thinking that he does, in fact, possess a functioning set of testes.

But apparently he's content to eternally remain a dickless wonder.

Fail-O-Meter:

Corporate Name-Sponsored Stadiums

Man, back in the day sports venues used to sound so cool. You'd have simple, completely badass sounding places like The Coliseum, or Meadowlands, or York Motherfucking Park. Nowadays it seems like every retard and his cheque book can throw his dick and balls on the side of an arena and call it "corporate sponsorship". To make matters worse, they sound RIDICULOUS. Hisense Arena? Izod Centre? ETIHAD STADIUM?

FUCK. THAT.

When I get good and rich, I'm going to buy a stadium and rename it myself. Just for shits and giggles, I'll buy the team that plays there and rename that too! Fuck it, I'm going to throw money everywhere at everyone. You can't stop me, chief. I'm in the fucking ZONE.

From 2015 on you'll be able to see the New Jersey Suckmydicks playing at Eatmyshit Arena, as they make their way towards their third Cockface Cup in a row. Games broadcast exclusively on the Everyone's Shitty Poo Network.

Fail-O-Meter:

Dudes who should be bald, but aren't

The type of muppet who tries to defy the will of nature by going to Advanced Hair or using fucking Rogain or Dimoxinyl or whatfuckingever. You know the type. By all accounts, they should be sporting a dome by now, but instead they've used filthy gypsy cheats and grown their hair back. So now they flaunt their non-baldness by doing ridiculous shit with it like in the above. The end result bares an uncanny resemblance to a burnt out abandoned sparrows nest.

Take the hint. You've run the hair gauntlet, and you fucking well lost. Deal with it.

Fail-O-Meter:

Dinara Safina

Woah! Put her back in! She's not done yet!

Fail-O-Meter:

Jay Leno

Miserably retarded hack who's been rehashing the same jokes that have been stale since 1992. Furthermore, is a Chinbeast that should hung, drawn and quartered in a public square alongside such other mythical beasts as Gojira, Gamera, Mecha-Streisand, and JizzBoy: The Boy made of Jizz.

Fail-O-Meter: