Epic.Fail.

Clay Court Tennis

2010-05-31T10:51:00.001+10:00

Any sport that Spaniards excel at should be universally outlawed.

Fail-O-Meter:

Bad Buskers who insist on being called "Musicians"

2010-05-30T12:29:00.002+10:00

Open up your braintanks, because I'm about to drop some premium, 91 Octane knowledge.

If your most regular gig is a tram stop, you're not a musician, you're a complete fucking annoyance.

Fail-O-Meter:

Lacrosse

2010-05-16T11:55:00.002+10:00

What the fucking fuck even is this stupid game?

A bunch of over-privileged retards skipping around a field, wailing on each other with sticks.

And those helmets are ridiculous.

Die.

Fail-O-Meter:

The advertising for Macgruber

2010-05-14T07:17:00.003+10:00

"The funniest Saturday Night Live film since Wayne's World!"

What? I've got copies of Wayne's World 2, Coneheads, A Night at the Roxbury and Office Space that say otherwise.

"The best action-comedy since Beverly Hills Cop!"

Alright, now that's just a flat-out fucking lie. I haven't seen Macgruber at all and don't actually plan on doing so, but I'll stake my house and reputation on it not being the kind of movie that warrants a "best" of anything. Maybe in 6 months time it can grab a "Best value under $3" sticker on the front of the DVD, but that's it.

"Crude, ridiculous, and very, very funny!"

Fuck off, fuck off, fuck right off. Ryan Phillipe hasn't done a damn thing since the stupid dickhead ditched Reese Witherspoon (who does that? seriously?), and Will Forte would be a one-trick pony if only he learned whatever that one trick was.

Go see Hot Tub Time Machine instead.

Fail-O-Meter:

Justin Bieber

2010-05-02T04:49:00.002+10:00

There's just something about his stupid weasel-face that's ever-so-punchable.

Fuck. Look at him. Even when he's bungy jumping he keeps that "HURRRRRDURRRRRRR" shit eating look.

I don't know much about this world, but I do know that there's a blazing hot fire with this little polesmoker's name written all over it.

Get fucked.

Fail-O-Meter:

Fuller

2010-04-29T07:07:00.001+10:00

Seriously kid. Go easy on the Pepsi.

And stop smiling, you little shit.

Fail-O-Meter:

American Cheddar

2010-04-11T01:41:00.002+10:00

Sourced from the deepest depths of Satan's toenails and delivered straight to the walls of your most vital arteries, this piss-poor dog's breakfast excuse for "cheese" looks like utter shit and tastes like utter arse. It's taste is so bad that it renders any and all foodstuffs it comes into contact with utterly useless, sapping the taste and nutritional value away like a sembiotic parasite; slowly ebbing away the foods' lifeforce until all that's left is a sad, pathetic grey lump of mush topped with this snot coloured glob of hell.

Fail-O-Meter:
Right here is where, in an ordinary world, you'd see our fancy little meter proclaiming this particular post to be of the category "Epic Fail".

However, in imageshack's infinte wisdom, they have decided to usurp the original image, and instead replace it with an ad spriuking their "thumbnail feature".

If I wanted fucking thumbnails, I'd travel across the globe to imageshack's HQ and forcibly remove the thumbnails of the guys who coded that feature using nothing more than a rusty pair of needlenose pliars, with a bucket of liquidised citric acid to soak the open wounds in.

Fuck you, Imageshack. Jerks.

The French

2010-02-20T15:54:00.002+11:00

HOW ARE YOU EVEN A COUNTRY?

Fail-O-Meter:

The phrase "Oh no he/she didn't!"

2010-02-03T22:58:00.003+11:00

Motherfucker, you were RIGHT FUCKING THERE. You saw it. You saw it with your own eyes, and you heard it with your own fucking ears. Of course they did it. They did it, and you know they that they did it. You know this, because you were FUCKING. WELL. THERE. So why question it? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHEN YOU JUST FUCKING WELL SAW THE SHIT.

You inattentive DICKHEAD. FUCK.

Fail-O-Meter:

Personalised number plates

2010-02-03T17:02:00.000+11:00

Nothing says "short-sighted fucktard" like a stupidly expensive 7 character phrase that was funny once for about 3 seconds.

Fail-O-Meter:

James Cameron

2010-01-21T15:29:00.002+11:00

With all this 3D fuckwittery that he's got going on, you'd think he'd utilise the same technology to trick his wife into finally thinking that he does, in fact, possess a functioning set of testes.

But apparently he's content to eternally remain a dickless wonder.

Fail-O-Meter:

Corporate Name-Sponsored Stadiums

2010-01-20T18:18:00.003+11:00

Man, back in the day sports venues used to sound so cool. You'd have simple, completely badass sounding places like The Coliseum, or Meadowlands, or York Motherfucking Park. Nowadays it seems like every retard and his cheque book can throw his dick and balls on the side of an arena and call it "corporate sponsorship". To make matters worse, they sound RIDICULOUS. Hisense Arena? Izod Centre? ETIHAD STADIUM?

FUCK. THAT.

When I get good and rich, I'm going to buy a stadium and rename it myself. Just for shits and giggles, I'll buy the team that plays there and rename that too! Fuck it, I'm going to throw money everywhere at everyone. You can't stop me, chief. I'm in the fucking ZONE.

From 2015 on you'll be able to see the New Jersey Suckmydicks playing at Eatmyshit Arena, as they make their way towards their third Cockface Cup in a row. Games broadcast exclusively on the Everyone's Shitty Poo Network.

Fail-O-Meter:

Dudes who should be bald, but aren't

2010-01-20T18:01:00.003+11:00

The type of muppet who tries to defy the will of nature by going to Advanced Hair or using fucking Rogain or Dimoxinyl or whatfuckingever. You know the type. By all accounts, they should be sporting a dome by now, but instead they've used filthy gypsy cheats and grown their hair back. So now they flaunt their non-baldness by doing ridiculous shit with it like in the above. The end result bares an uncanny resemblance to a burnt out abandoned sparrows nest.

Take the hint. You've run the hair gauntlet, and you fucking well lost. Deal with it.

Fail-O-Meter:

Dinara Safina

2010-01-20T17:58:00.001+11:00

Woah! Put her back in! She's not done yet!

Fail-O-Meter:

Jay Leno

2010-01-13T11:35:00.002+11:00

Miserably retarded hack who's been rehashing the same jokes that have been stale since 1992. Furthermore, is a Chinbeast that should hung, drawn and quartered in a public square alongside such other mythical beasts as Gojira, Gamera, Mecha-Streisand, and JizzBoy: The Boy made of Jizz.

Fail-O-Meter:

Military Re-enactments

2010-01-13T11:31:00.003+11:00

What a staggering, mind-numbing, face-boiling, soul-depriving waste of fucking time.

Fail-O-Meter:

Dudes who still "octopus" their guitar strings

2009-12-22T18:38:00.003+11:00

It's not 1998 and you're not in Static X.

Clean your shit up.

Fail-O-Meter:

Joe McElderry

2009-12-22T18:30:00.003+11:00

That right there is not only the little shitforbrains who got his chart-related arse handed to him by a fucking Facebook group, but he's also your unbackable favourite for "World's Biggest Shit-Eating Grin 2009".

Fail-O-Meter:

Japanese Spambots

2009-12-11T21:54:00.003+11:00

FUCKING ALL UP IN MY SHIT RUINING MY COMMENTS BOX

FUCK. OFF.

Fail-O-Meter:

Blogs that turn into Books

2009-12-06T22:12:00.003+11:00

Why the fuck would I want a shitty paperback version of someone's shitty wordpress?
Why the fuck would I want to PAY for that, when I can Firefox the shit out of it for free?
Why the fuck do you think your shitty bullshit blog fuckwittery would have even the smallest chance of standing up for itself in the vast literary world?

And, finally, but most importantly:

How the fuck are you going to repay me because my Boss yelled at me because I couldn't ALT+TAB my way out of your dumbfuck blogbook when I saw him coming?

Eat shit, kill yourself, repeat.

Fail-O-Meter:

The ARIA Awards

2009-11-26T20:26:00.001+11:00

I'm convinced that the statue is designed like that in the faint hope that the utter shitfucks who actually win these "awards" take the hint and use the statue to skewer their own brains out.

What a fucking joke.

Fail-O-Meter:

Mexico

2009-11-12T18:45:00.003+11:00

FUCK YOU, MEXICO.

NO EXCLUSIVE GARDEN JAWA FOR YOU.

BITCH.

Fail-O-Meter:

Luke Steele

2009-11-11T17:23:00.002+11:00

There is no fire hot enough to remove the lingering stain that is your life from this earth.

Stop. Please, for fucks sake, stop.

Fail-O-Meter:

Algebra

2009-11-03T19:48:00.006+11:00

Consider the following:

x = a+b+c+d(y+z+b)

Assume the following to be true:

a = 6
b = 21
c = 3
d = 11
y = 25
z = 15

So therefore:

x = 6+21+3+11(25+15+21)

Now convert the integers to their corresponding capitalised alphabetical values, and simplify the equation.

This makes the equation read thusly:

x = FUCK(YOU)

Solve that, shithead.

Fail-O-Meter:

Shia LeBouf

2009-11-01T22:42:00.003+11:00

Talentless shit who's clearly the long-lost lovespawn of Gallagher, Ratburn and a rusty shovel.

Fail-O-Meter:

Music Festival Shoulder-Sitters

2009-11-01T22:40:00.001+11:00

Get the fuck down.

Fail-O-Meter:

Iceland

2009-10-28T18:53:00.004+11:00

McDonald's will close its restaurants in Iceland this week after currency fluctuations threatened to make Icelandic Big Macs the world's most expensive.

Magnus Ogmundsson, CEO of Iceland's McDonald’s franchise owner Lyst, told Bloomberg that rising costs would have meant a Big Mac would cost US$6.36, the most expensive in the world, according to the Economist's Big Mac Index.

Norway and Switzerland currently have the world’s most expensive Big Macs, at US$5.75.

Iceland's economy collapsed last year as the global financial crisis gathered pace leaving Icelanders grappling with soaring prices and a national currency – the kronur – that dived 80 percent as the nation’s banks collapsed.

LIST OF REASONS WHY ICELAND SHOULD NUKE ITSELF IMMEDIATELY

- Can't produce a cheaper burger than those Swiss fence-sitting freaks.

- Chief export: Bjork.

- Landmass looks like a badly decomposed crab.

- Despite proximity to the Arctic Circle and thus extreme familiarity with ice, couldn't beat a team of Yankee street punk fuckups at Ice Hockey at the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games.

- General populous probably smells like fish.

Fail-O-Meter:

The ever-changing Facebook UI

2009-10-25T19:54:00.003+11:00

If you keep touching it, it's going to drop off.

Fail-O-Meter:

Parenting

2009-10-25T19:53:00.003+11:00

You're doing it wrong.

Fail-O-Meter:

"Blogger"...

2009-10-18T02:15:00.002+11:00

...is not a profession. Neither is photographer, artist, designer, dancer, taxation barrister or speed freak.

Do you know how many people have made a living off of any of those?

Six.

There are about 25 million fuckheads just like you wasting space about the world.

Do the math, shithead.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who still fall for internet phishing and spam.

2009-10-09T18:31:00.002+11:00

It's 2009, dickheads. The kindly stranger named Rodergo Y Ramirez is not genuinely asking about your well being in your Junk E-Mail folder. He wants your shit.

People like you are the reason why justifiable murder should be legal.

Fail-O-Meter:

Removing Stickers

2009-10-09T18:23:00.003+11:00

You know when you buy a DVD or a CD or a book or some shit and all you want to do is be happy with your purchase and look at the nice clean cover art in all it's complete glory? But then you can't because you look down and there's a fucking horrible enormous piece of shit sticker on the front that says some horrible crap like "OPRAH'S VAGINA RECOMMENDS YOU GET THIS OTHER FUCKING TRIPE INSTEAD OF THIS".

And so you go to peel the damn thing off and that starts out innocently enough, but then you hear this horrible ripping sound and all of a sudden WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HORRIBLE WHITE SHIT AND WHY WON'T IT PEEL OFF LIKE THE REST OF THE FUCKING THING.

And then it's just fucking THERE. Looking at you in the face. And you're sitting there going I JUST WANT A FUCKING CLEAN COVER WITHOUT THIS STICKY SHIT ON IT.

And to make matters even worse, you can't rest anything on top of it for like... a month. Because if you do, whatever's on top fucking STICKS TO HORRIBLE RESIDUE CRAP THAT'S STILL THERE. EVEN AFTER A WHOLE GODDAMN MONTH.

FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

Fail-O-Meter:

Pre-Emptive Fail: Jessica Watson

2009-10-04T20:17:00.003+11:00

Now, listen sweetheart. I'm going to make this perfectly clear. I'm not heaping shit onto your little sailing playtime effort because you're a girl. Nor am I doing it because of your youth. I'm doing it because, quite clearly, you are an absolutely atrocious sailor who shouldn't be allowed to command the helm of a newspaper boat floating in an infants bathtub, let alone the ridiculous pink abomination that you call a "yacht".

Not only did you fail miserably before you even began the first attempt due to nothing else but clear blind stupidity on your behalf, but you failed to log a subsequent trip to Sydney with safety authorities.

Normally this is the kind of self-righteous teen angst that results in you not being allowed to go to Sally Sillybitches' totally bitchin' sweet sixteenth party, followed closely by the slamming of the bedroom door, and a wall of wailing tears muffled out by Pink's "Funhouse" album being played at 342 decibels through a poorly constructed Telefunken Mini Hi-Fi system.

In this instance, however, it's going to result in a crippled, capsized piece of floating timber about 1200kms off the coast of Tahiti, a ridiculous rescue bill and a very bruised ego.

And I, for one, will be more than happy to tell you "We told you so" upon your shameful return to dry land, you stupid little girl.

Fail-O-Meter:

Tieless Suits

2009-09-25T20:27:00.002+10:00

Wearing a suit without a tie is like driving a car without petrol.

Either way, you end up sitting in a big, useless, ugly looking piece of crap all night.

And everyone thinks you're a dick.

Fail-O-Meter:

PS3 Slim

2009-09-17T16:44:00.002+10:00

Can it make my dinner and suck my dick?

No?

Well then it can fuck right off.

Fail-O-Meter:

Astrology/Starsigns/Horoscopes

2009-09-09T23:07:00.005+10:00

Starsigns and astrology are swindles made up by Gypsies to fool idiots like you into thinking that some bullshit dot-to-dot drawing that some shrooming hippie freak drew in the night sky has influence in your supposed "life".

It doesn't.

They're just stars.

Useless, good for nothing stars.

And yet you continue to fall for these filthy Gypsies and their shady Gypsy curses they put on you every single day in the form of the utterly retarded horoscope.

So here you go. I have prepared for you, your first and only completely accurate, 100% Gypsy-free insight into your own future. Enjoy.

HOROSCOPE FOR TOMORROW FOR ALL STAR SIGNS:

Something altogether vague may or may not happen to you, and there's a strong likelihood that you're an impotent bitch.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who try to verbally describe a series of text messages they received

2009-09-06T22:29:00.003+10:00

You know the ones. The kind of people who look at you with that horrible shit-eating grin and proudly proceed to rob you of 5 minutes of your life that you're never getting back by saying something that sounds like this:

"...and so I sent: blahblahblah

And then they replied: fapfapfap

And so I sent back: blahblahblah

And then they replied again: fapfapfap

And so I replied this time with: blahblahblah

And then they sent back: fapfapfap

And so I replied to that with: blahblahblah

And then they replied: fapfapfap"

And while they're doing it you can literally feel your soul cower into the fetal position and weep just a little bit.

Die. Fucking die.

Fail-O-Meter:

Everything that Lynyrd Skynyrd's done post-1977

2009-08-31T18:54:00.002+10:00

I've heard of flogging a dead horse, but this is ridiculous.

Fail-O-Meter:

Brett Favre (cont'd)

2009-08-21T07:05:00.003+10:00

Brett Favre signs with the Minnesota Vikings.

You son of a bitch.

If, during World War II, Winston Churchill had defected to Nazi Germany, paired up with Hitler and not only led them to a crushing, world-conquering victory, but joined him in touring every major city in the world, butt-raping every child and small dog in sight whilst simultaneously running nails down chalkboards and stabbing kittens with AIDS knives...

...IF that had happened, you signing to the Vikings would still be worse.

Get FUCKED.

Fail-O-Meter:

Smith's Chips "Gobbledok"

2009-08-19T07:13:00.001+10:00

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST KILL IT KILL IT WITH FIRE

Fail-O-Meter:

"Best 2009 Film"

2009-08-17T21:31:00.002+10:00

Really? That's the best you could come up with? REALLY?

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

2009-08-17T15:51:00.004+10:00

No.

Nobody fucking cares, Bruce Jackson.

Fuck off. Seriously. Fuck the fuck right off.

You look like a pomegranate.

Fail-O-Meter:

Erin Burnett

2009-08-05T19:13:00.006+10:00

Australian Pime Minister Kevin Rudd has been labelled a serial killer on US TV for approving the culling of feral camels.

Erin Burnett, an anchor on American financial news channel CNBC, launched a verbal attack targetting Rudd following his government's decision to spend $A19 million to cull feral camels in the outback.

What a stupid fucking whore. Firstly, on live national TV no less, this ridiculous waste of human cognition just called the FREELY ELECTED LEADER of an ENTIRE DEMOCRATIC NATION a serial killer. A nation who is a strong ally (not only in silly games of conservative wartime grabass, but in important things like trade, arts, Hugh Jackman and economics) of her precious and oh-so-infallible USA, for that matter.

Secondly, her little camel rant was hands down the most ill-informed piece of shit I've ever heard in my life. Seriously. The unintelligible garble on Blue's Fucking Clues is more informed than this horrible shittits.

Why the fuck would you go on a dickshitting rant like that when ONE SIMPLE WIKIPEDIA SEARCH would yield you an abundance of legitimate reasons for culling Camels. Fuck. Save the camels? Alright. How about we shove 1,000,000 feral camels in your enormous gaping vagina, because you clearly have the room for it, what with all the feral dick that's obviously been all up in there.

Furthermore, there is absolutely no way that I'm taking sound financial advice from someone who's gotten their baps out for fucking Maxim magazine.

What a fucking joke. A pox on thee, you fucking dumb twat.

Fail-O-Meter:

3D Movies

2009-07-25T18:49:00.000+10:00

You're doing it wrong.

Fail-O-Meter:

Lady Gaga

2009-07-24T08:15:00.002+10:00

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

2009-07-23T16:18:00.002+10:00

...

Fail-O-Meter:

Lance Armstrong

2009-07-23T14:52:00.003+10:00

The only reason you're doing as well as you are is because

a) You're riding the coattails of everyone else.

and b) You've got a FUCK OFF good team who are ensuring Le Tour follows the organisers script.

And yes, I just said script. Because the Tour de France is quite obviously rigged.

If it wasn't rigged, you'd be fucking failing over all the place, and no one (not even your average useless French dicklicker) wants to see a one nutted retard finish 164th.

Go home, Grandpa.

Fail-O-Meter:

Stuart MacGill

2009-07-20T06:43:00.001+10:00

Shut the fuck up.

Fail-O-Meter:

Black Eyed Peas

2009-07-17T17:01:00.003+10:00

Fill up my cup
Mazel tov
Look at her dancing
just take it off

These are lyrics from the new Black Eyed Peas single "I Got A Feeling".

Now, (passing off the glaring grammatical error in the song title as run-of-the-mill dickshittery) I'm not a fancy big city Jew. But it seems to me that the correct usage of the term "Mazel tov" is to congratulate someone on the completion of a significant event. An event such as a wedding, or a Bar Mitzvah, or the completion of military service.

"Fill up my cup" is not a fucking significant event.

This band used to be pretty good. "Request Line" was a great song. Then they hired the crack whore and turned into a bunch of faggot munching Fugees-wannabes.

None of you mongoloids are fit enough to hold Wyclef Jean's jockstrap, and you fucking know it.

Remove all traceable evidence of yourselves from the face of the planet post haste.

Fail-O-Meter:

Joe Jackson

2009-07-15T06:55:00.004+10:00

No.

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

2009-07-07T23:04:00.003+10:00

I definitely don't like that crackwhore transvestite Lady GaGa and therefore I sure as shit am not going to like this pumpkin-faced "Clubkid" fuckwit. What a fucking stupid dickshitting name.

Get murdered.

Fail-O-Meter:

Jason Jackson

2009-07-03T19:40:00.004+10:00

"An Australian from the backblocks of western Sydney believes he has what it takes to moonwalk in Michael Jackson's shoes.

"I believe I am alive today because God saved me for this - to make people happy. I have a message to give, the same as Michael," he said yesterday.

Just 10 minutes after Jackson's death Jason's phone started ringing. It hasn't stopped. He and his manager, his mum Theresa, have taken more than 200 calls and made 80 bookings, a far cry from the three inquiries a week he was used to.

With barely enough time to grieve for the man whom he calls a "second father", Jason said he had so many offers it was now "make-or-break" time."

Is this shit real? Seriously do people like this actually exist? If so...

Fail-O-Meter:

Megan Fox

2009-07-03T19:12:00.004+10:00

So I went and saw Transformers 2 recently; Michael Bay has a lot to answer for. Anyways I knew it would suck but I thought "at least Megan Fox will be capering around being hot". This would have been the case if she wasn't dressed up like some sort of galactic whore...

I can't find a picture that supports my argument but if you've seen the movie you know what I mean...

Don't get me wrong the chick is fine but seriously, lay off the makeup.

Fail-O-Meter:

This guy

2009-07-01T18:00:00.003+10:00

A WOULD-BE thief made the worst mistake of his career after breaking into the house of a retired Army boxer.

Gregory McCalium, 23, fronted court yesterday with a black eye and a fat lip after he was busted - and subsequently bashed - by 71-year-old Frank Corti in Mr Corti’s house in Oxford, UK.

Mr Corti said he was woken in the middle of the night by noises in his house and was confronted by the knife-wielding McCalium when he went to investigate.

He said McCalium “took a slash” at him, but Mr Corti ducked and threw two big right hooks at the lout.

And Mr Corti knows how to throw a right hook – he was famous for it as a featherweight in the Royal Engineers.

The blows almost knocked McCalium out, allowing Mr Corti to perform a citizens’ arrest and wait for the police.

The judge wasn’t moved, saying McCalium “got what he deserved” before sentencing him to four-and-a-half years’ jail.

Well nice going genius. If there's one thing we've learned from Clint Eastwood it's that you never, ever attack a retired old man. Ever.

Technique > Brute force.

Fail-O-Meter:

Non-Wimbledon tennis players

2009-06-24T22:56:00.007+10:00

At Wimbledon, you're able to see smart looking world-class professionals engage in an ages-old battle of stregth, stamina and endurance on an expertly manicured grass court.

Anywhere else in the world, you'll see two faggots flop about on a court made of dicks and hate wearing clothes that look like they've been wrung through a magazine printing press whilst a bear simultaneously shits on them from a great height.

Fail-O-Meter:

Dane Cook

2009-06-21T19:15:00.002+10:00

You've got a head like a kettle and the comedic appeal of dried up duck shit.

Shut the fuck up.

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

2009-06-19T21:16:00.004+10:00

Seriously if you know this person I will pay a lot of money for you to imprison him somewhere so I can come and give him a savage; savage beating. Who wants to chip in?

Fail-O-Meter:

NASA

2009-06-19T18:32:00.006+10:00

"There are no aliens up there, as far as we know, but NASA is preparing to bomb the moon.

A space mission blasted off from Cape Canaveral today carrying a missile that will fire a hole deep in the lunar surface, The Daily Telegraph reported.

The unmanned Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite mission (LCROSS) will fire a Centaur rocket into the surface at twice the speed of a bullet.

The aim is to see whether any traces of water or vapour will be revealed by the disruption caused to the surface"

Gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this one. When we live in a world where poverty effects a very large proportion of the world's population how can the yanks justify spending billions of dollars on bombing the fucking moon.

I've watched enough disaster movies to know that firing a missile at a large hunk of rock orbiting the planet is not exactly a good move.

Also, since when has the speed of a bullet become an accepted measure of speed.

Fail-O-Meter:

The douchebag who sharked facebook.com/epicfail

2009-06-16T22:13:00.002+10:00

You better PRAY TO ALMIGHTY GOD that you don't bump into me on the street, motherfucker.

Oh HURFUCKINGDUR "Look at me and my awesome Facebook url. I'm special and not at all the filthy pile of dogshit that the url suggests I am. I am super awesome and hilarious."

DO YOU SEE ME LAUGHING, FLESHPIG? DO YOU?

LEAVE TOWN.

LEAVE THE FUCKING COUNTRY.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who complain about parking tickets

2009-06-12T20:08:00.002+10:00

Hot tip: If you don't want to get a parking ticket PAY FOR YOUR FUCKING PARKING!!!

Fail-O-Meter:

Conspiracy Theorists

2009-06-08T20:17:00.004+10:00

Kung-Fu cult hero David Carradine may have been killed by a secret society of martial arts assassins, his family's lawyer, Mark Garegos claims. The New York Post reports Geragos suggested Carradine may have been attempting to uncover groups working in the martials-arts underworld at the time of his death.

Mr Garegos has previously represented Michael Jackson, actress Winona Ryder, wife-killer Scott Peterson and singer Chris Brown.

You fucking what?

First of all, if Ninjas did indeed kill whathisface, there'd be no suspicion whatsoever because they wouldn't have done it in such a ridiculous way like tying a fucking rope between his neck and his johnson.

Secondly, let's look at the "reputable" Mr Garegos' list of prior clients.

Michael Jackson: Insane.

Winona Ryder: Pirate whore.

Scott "Wife Killer" Peterson: Wife killer.

Chris Brown: Retard.

Here's a theory for you: Shut the fuck up.

Fail-O-Meter:

Ben Lee (CON-FUCKING-TINUED)

2009-06-05T18:16:00.002+10:00

FUCK YOU BEN LEE YOU'RE NOT PUTTING YOUR GODDAMN SPYWARE ONTO MY COMPUTER YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.

I HOPE YOU DIE. I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE OF BRAIN AIDS YOU DICK-SHITTING CUNT.

Fail-O-Meter:

Power Adapters

2009-06-04T23:05:00.001+10:00

That's cool. I didn't need that second socket anyways.

Fail-O-Meter:

Pizza Makers

2009-06-02T06:35:00.002+10:00

What a useless piece of fucking shit.

Do you know what other kitchen appliance can be equally as effective in the cooking of a pizza?

An oven. A fucking oven.

Added bonus: Cooking a pizza in an oven is a surefire way to ensure that your pizza doesn't look the 3-day old vomit omelette that you see above.

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

2009-05-29T21:16:00.004+10:00

Seriously, whoever took my spot as #2 best scientist is fucking dead.

Fail-O-Meter:

The current direction of AFL

2009-05-29T20:14:00.006+10:00

I don't know if this shit goes down in other codes but every week it seems the "rules" of Aussie rules changes. When the Yanks think about Australian Rules the often conjure images like the ones below...

I'm sorry to break it to you but not all Australians are like Crocodile Dundee and our football is no longer the man sport it used to be.

Seriously what was wrong with the rule set we had 20 years ago? 10 years ago if you accidentally ran into an umpire it was a non event, now you cop a $5k fine and a 4 week suspension. EVEN WHEN IT'S THE FUCKING UMPIRES FAULT!!! You used to be able to take your time when taking a shot a goal; now we have shot clock... THIS AIN'T THE FUCKING NBA SHITHEAD, FOOTBALLERS AIN'T BALLIN' OR SHOT CALLIN' GODDAMNIT!!!

Apparently a a sense of atmosphere and umpires getting bowled over funniest home videos style isn't entertaining.

AFL is a mans sport. Not fucking netball in shorts. The sooner these pencil pushers get money off their minds and start thinking about entertainment the better.

P.S. AFL is still better than American football. Lose the padding and harden the fuck up. Also rugby league is boring as hell. "Me get ball and take to other end of field ugha ugha"...

Fail-O-Meter:

Lawrence Leung

2009-05-28T17:54:00.003+10:00

We get it, you like rubix cubes.

Fail-O-Meter:

Two and a Half Men

2009-05-21T22:37:00.005+10:00

TWO AND A HALF MEN

"Every Episode for the Upcoming Season"

INT. DAY - The Harper Residence

CHARLIE SHEEN has sex with a woman one third his age.

The woman exits the house. JON CRYER has a neurotic breakdown, then recovers all in the space of 5 seconds.

THE KID makes a snide-but-obvious remark about being a kid.

CUE SFX: "MEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNN".

Roll Credits.

Fail-O-Meter:

Pete Wentz (continued)

2009-05-16T14:16:00.003+10:00

Unless that message is "I'm a massive faggot with faggoty hair and a face like a sundried poo" then I don't want to fucking know about it.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who don't know the difference between "Your" and "You're"

2009-05-16T14:00:00.002+10:00

Open up your brainboxes, kids. Because I'm about to drop some knowledge.

It's not a hard thing to comprehend. It really isn't. So there are no excuses for fucking this up as many times as you all have been.

If it continues, you're going to receive a swift jab to your Achilles tendon.

Fail-O-Meter:

Dancing

2009-05-09T17:54:00.003+10:00

You look like a fuckhead.

Fail-O-Meter:

Go Duster

2009-05-09T01:11:00.002+10:00

Go Duster makes dusting fast, easy and fun!

Unless that duster comes with a hit of acid I can guarantee it won't be fun.

Fail-O-Meter:

Shane Watson

2009-05-08T23:03:00.001+10:00

Fuck off out of the national side and buy a sports bar already, you useless fucking waste of space.

Fail-O-Meter:

Anyone who has ripped on Karl Stefanovic for his performance on Monday

2009-05-07T20:08:00.004+10:00

I know I had a crack at the guy in my last post but seriously this shit is awesome...

If a guy can't get hammered on the biggest night of the Australian TV industry calender the there is something seriously wrong. Today Tonight can fuck off this shit is awesome.

Fail-O-Meter:

The state of morning television

2009-05-02T09:45:00.013+10:00

Gone are the days of classic cartoons on one station and gimic free news on the other. This is the filth I have to deal with at 7am

Sunrise

This show is aggravating on so many levels. The show seems to be Australia's highest employer of "Social Commentators" who's sole purpose seems to be to come on and discuss pressing issues that generally seem to revolve around the following themes...

Do men do things that are stereotypically male?
Do I really have to pay for "x" service that is being supplied to me by "x" business?
Kids don't have to learn the same stuff we did when we were at school.

But the best part of the show is where a home viewer writes in with a problem they are having with "the man". Que the following script

Kochie: Can we do something about that?
Producers: Um well no not..
Kochie: Don't worry viewer Sunrise is on the case, we'll follow this up for you.

WELL THANK FUCKING FUCK SUNRISE, MASTERS OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE ARE HERE TO SAVE LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS AUSTRALIA FROM MILD INCONVENIENCE. THANK GOD SUNRISE, THE HARBINGERS OF JUSTICE ARE HERE TO KEEP THE BASTARDS HONEST!!!

Moving on.

Today

Today is certainly not as bad as Sunrise in terms of cheese but it make up for this in other areas. Carl Stefanovic seems determined to give the alternate right point of view regardless of how insensitive it may be...

Also shows on channel 9 always seem like they've been put together by a year 12 media class.

ABC News Breakfast

During the first couple of weeks of watching this I believed that my morning TV problems had been solved. Finally a morning show without all the bullshit, no social commentators, no competitions just straight up news. I slowly came to realise that Virginia Trioli seems to know everything about fucking everything and has an unhealthy obsession of trying to prove herself as a credible journalist and not just the token female co-host.

Seriously you don't have to add a comment to every single conversation and attacking the credibility of every single politician that comes on your show is not "hard hitting journalism" it's just fucking annoying. There is a time and a place for this type of shit but it sure ain't breakfast television.

Totally Wild

Totally wild is sort of like that show Medium. Boring as hell but has somehow managed to stay of TV for like 10 years. I don't want to learn about bugs or some shit I WANT CARTOONS!!!

Here are just a couple of cartoons Ten could put on instead.

TMNT
Batman
Pokemon (I don't want to see a word against Pokemon in the comments section)

Filipino/Greek/Mandarin News
While these shows are generally more entertaining than the above (or maybe just less infuriating I can't tell) I don't speak any language other than English. Enough said. I am hoping however one day I discover a culture where it is common occurrence for fights to break out on morning television. Until then ABC kids will have to do.

P.S. Yeah I know I could just turn the TV off blah blah blah SHUT UP!

Twilight

2009-05-02T01:50:00.004+10:00

THEY'RE NOT VAMPIRES, THEY'RE FUCKING SHITCUNTING, ARSE-SPELUNKING, PISS SWILLING, DICK CHEESED FAGGOTS.

It's not cool, it's not romantic, it's not anything. It's a piece of fucking shit.

I would say that I completely question how voluntarily allowing the undead to end your life and turn your physical body into an unholy undead menance with a voracious appetite for human blood could be considered in any way romantic, but oh-fucking-no, the stupid whore who wrote it didn't follow the literary canon on vampires that had been well-fucking-established long before she came along.

REAL Vampires stalk the living only at night, burn to a crisp in daylight, ensnare virginal females with a mythical power for the SOLE FUCKING PURPOSE of relieving them of all their blood-like fluids, and are generally fucking bad ass.

The things in Twilight, on the other hand, are nothing but a bunch of two-bit pussyfooting nancy boy cuntfaces who glitter in the sunlight like some ponsing, pinging, raving fluoro fuckface who somehow stumbled onto the set of Art Attack and rolled around for 10 hours bellowing "The Hey Song" at the top of his lungs.

Anyone who actively reads and buys into this shit should be stabbed through the heart with a stake. You want your precious fantasy vampire life? You got it, shitcicles.

Fail-O-Meter:

Unnecessary Hysteria

2009-04-28T23:38:00.002+10:00

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"

"HOLY SHIT. I DON'T KNOW, IT LOOKS NORMAL, BUT IT'S SOMETHING THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND."

"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK."

"RUN, ASSHOLE. RUN AWAY FROM THE NORMAL THING."

"SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT."

Fail-O-Meter:

Swine Flu

2009-04-28T18:47:00.001+10:00

Pfft. Swine Flu? That's a funny name for a horrible disease.

Fail-O-Meter:

The Gasmate "Vega Specialist" Barbeque

2009-04-11T23:16:00.005+10:00

That's what it's actually called. I'm not making this up.

No. That's a bad barbeque.

You cannot defeat Vega. You are a barbeque.

You can't even get past Guile.

Fail-O-Meter:

PETA

2009-04-11T22:58:00.004+10:00

PETA has asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name as part of a publicity stunt to oppose pet stores.

The animal rights group wrote to the band requesting they change their name to the Rescue Shelter Boys in opposition to the "cruelty" of pet shops.

Sample dialogue:

PETA: "Eating meat is wrong."

Me: "Ok. But why?"
PETA: "Because it's wrong."
Me: "Yes, I gathered your position on this. Can you provide some clarification?"
PETA: "Well, it's wrong because it is."
Me: "...what?"
PETA: "If you eat meat, therefore you are bad and should stop eating meat."
Me: "Yeah, Ok. I get that part. But give me some reasons."
PETA: "Well, for starters, it's bad. Now here's a picture of a cool celebrity not eating meat."
Me: "[/furious headdesking]"

Look at that steak. Look at that motherfucking steak.

It's currently sitting on my plate being awesome and cooked (medium rare, for those keeping score at home).

Now I'm going to eat that steak.

Because it is delicious.

Om-nom-fucking-nom, PETA.

Fail-O-Meter:

Hotmail

2009-04-10T16:02:00.002+10:00

No Inbox you say? Oh man. That one that I've had for fucking EONS must've all just been an illusion.

The only Inbox that I'll be setting up with you doucheholes is the one where I put your head IN a BOX, and then smack you seventeen thousand times with a fucking Kendo Stick.

Fail-O-Meter:

Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka circa 2009

2009-04-10T16:01:00.000+10:00

Go home, Pops.

Fail-O-Meter:

Northern Lights Suplex

2009-04-08T20:49:00.006+10:00

Fisherman's suplex or GTFO.

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

2009-04-06T22:38:00.004+10:00

Broke Men committing Heresy.

A modern-day remake of the film (The Warriors) is set to be directed by some shitforbrains, with a tentative release date of 2010. The remake may include real gang members and try to create a modern version of the story, set in Not New York. And just recently veteran actor weak dog has been chosen to play a role that he'll suck at.

Fail-O-Meter:

Bryan Pape

2009-04-06T18:30:00.008+10:00

When Kevin Rudd announced that he was handing out $900 to pretty much everyone but Tyse, 9 million Australians simultaneously went to the nearest window, opened it and screamed out "Mo' money WHAT!". They then proceeded to download this song and made it their new ringtone.

Then this douche comes along and is like... no.

Now I'm no big city "academic" like Mr Pape but the one thing I do know about recessions is that if nobody spends any money that makes things worse. Fortunatley for pretty much anyone but Tyse the case got thrown out of court. I'm going to spend my money on a sky writer and have them write "Fuck off Bryan Pape" over Canberra. Sweet.

Fail-O-Meter:

People complaining about it being cold already

2009-04-06T18:16:00.004+10:00

For fuck sake it's April. HARDEN THE FUCK UP!!!

When I was a kid in winter we use to have a bowl of ice for breakfast then went to school in our stubbies and played football on an oval made of permafrost, and we liked it. It was fucking awesome!

Fail-O-Meter:

The Economic Stimulus Package

2009-04-06T00:08:00.002+10:00

Fuck yes! We'll give everyone money! Lots of fucking money! What a brilliant idea!

We'll give it in packages! Shit, some people can have two or three if they like! The more deadbeat and fucked they are, the more we'll give them! It'll be a money party, and everyone is invited except for that one guy Tyse, who decided to be responsible and study last year and graduate instead of sit around with his thumb up his arse like everyone else did. Ergo, he can go fuck himself.

Well, FUCK YOU you greedy, mindless cunts.

Go buy your pointless shit that'll make you happy for about 10 seconds, and I'll just sit here and stare at my HECS bill which is both in 5-figure territory, and not getting any smaller.

But that's alright. That's al-fucking-right because at least I've got an education. An education which, despite it costing me fucking shitloads of money, is apparently cunting worthless to the Government.

Kiss my fucking dick, the whole goddamn lot of you.

Fail-O-Meter:

April Fools Day

2009-04-01T18:07:00.003+11:00

Pointless. Retarded. Utterly shitful.

"Oh wow, sweet, you put soap in my coffee! Har-de-fucking-har!"

"No way! A clown flower that squirted me with water! How original! The fact that it was fucking plastic didn't tip me off at all!"

"Oh shit! You duct-taped me to a flagpole! Boy, I did not see that one coming. I especially didn't see it coming during those 2 hours when you were duct-taping me to a flagpole."

Next year, I'm going to prank someone by threatening to punch them in the face.

Then I will laugh.

And then they will laugh.

And then I will punch them in the face.

Fail-O-Meter:

Greenhorns

2009-03-25T21:13:00.003+11:00

TEN people have died from drinking poisoned home-made booze in a northern Iranian province despite a ban on alcohol consumption, the Mehr news agency reported.

The report issued today did not specify when the deaths occurred but said the incident took place in Rasht, the capital of the province of Gilan.

Quoting local police commander Bahman Ameri Mogaddam, Mehr said at least 27 people were being treated in hospital after consuming the spirits and that two were in critical condition.

Home-made spirits are largely consumed in poorer neighbourhoods but the use of industrial chemicals in their production poses serious health risks.

Good FUCKING grief.

YOU'RE.

DOING.

IT.

WRONG.

Fail-O-Meter:

Polar Bears

2009-03-19T19:53:00.003+11:00

Potentially fatal to the polar bear, global warming has already left its mark on the species with smaller, less robust bears that are increasingly showing cannibalistic tendencies.

You stupid fucks. Why on earth are you eating each other when there are plenty of useless fucking Eskimos about for you to gnaw on and gain precious sustenance?

Learn to hunt, fuckers.

Fail-O-Meter:

Ridiculous Superstitions

2009-03-13T14:59:00.003+11:00

Today I broke a mirror under a ladder whilst kicking a black cat into an open umbrella that was sitting in a pool of spilt salt on my living room floor.

Fucking come at me.

Fail-O-Meter:

Drawn-On Eyebrows

2009-03-02T23:48:00.002+11:00

You're not fooling anyone, you fucking mongcunts.

Fail-O-Meter:

This shit

2009-03-02T20:43:00.001+11:00

NO WAY! SOMEONE CALL FUCKING RIPLEY'S. FUCK.

Fail-O-Meter:

Lesbian Batwoman

2009-02-13T20:25:00.006+11:00

"Batwoman is making a comeback, replacing Batman - who is missing, presumed dead - in the popular DC Comics series. And this time around the superheroine's alter ego, Kathy Kane, is a red-headed lesbian."

Wat. Look I have no problems with lesbians or red heds but Jesus Christ this is like killing off Superman with a transsexual gorilla who sources it's power from radioactive bananas. As if batman could ever die anyway, years of training in the bat cave has prepared him for anything.

Fail-O-Meter:

People who wear that cheer up emo kid t-shirt

2009-02-13T20:01:00.005+11:00

Only two types of people wear this t-shirt..

Cockheads
Emo's

I don't understand why emo's wear this shirt... Are they trying to be self deprecating or do they actually believe they are not emo's? When you look at the emo's who wear this shirt it's like "you are clearly emo"; I don't get it.

On the other side of the coin are complete cockheads. These are the dudes who in high school were just total smart arse douche's. You know that dude who you always wanted to punch in the face in high school but never did. The guy who you refuse to talk to at the pub even though you've just had a D&M with a guy who made you eat dirt at footy practice all through grade 9. You know that guy...(or maybe I am just digging up some unresolved issues from my childhood... and yes I'm drunk again)

Anyways, the t-shirt sucks and if I see you in one I'll punch you in the throat.

Fail-O-Meter:

That guy from so you think you can dance

2009-02-13T19:45:00.005+11:00

Hey do you want to try out for my new show?

It's called "So you think you can come on Good News Week and make up for your complete lack of comedic value by dancing with Georgie ParGET THE FUCK OF MY TELEVISION FUCK FACE!!!"

Fail-O-Meter:

Germaine Greer

2009-02-11T01:29:00.002+11:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_7880000/7880680.stm

Shut up. Shut up. You fucking ridiculous, stupid whore. Shut up.

Fail-O-Meter:

"Sunday Night"

2009-02-06T23:21:00.004+11:00

As if I didn't have to put up with enough sensationalistic journalism as it is; now I have to deal with this tripe while I'm hungover and dreading work the next day.

I'll give you the hot scoop on Britt Lapthorne. The chick died like 6 months ago and I really don't give a shit any more. Seriously it's a horrible thing that she was murdered/drowned/eaten by sea beasts whatever, but why is she so important that I have to hear about it every 5 minutes?

People get killed every day yo. That's how it goes down on the streets you know? For real tho.

I'm drunk..so what? It's beautiful...

Fail-O-Meter:

Angelina Joile

2009-02-06T22:54:00.002+11:00

"Angelina Jolie is said to be on a special diet to get pregnant. The star, who has six children with Brad Pitt, has reportedly taken several steps to ensure she is expecting again by mid-year."

Stop.

Fail-O-Meter:

Tuna Mornay

2009-01-31T16:09:00.000+11:00

Fuck off.

Fail-O-Meter: